This is my secret to winning at chess, and it works every time: You bring your own pieces to the game, including this one. One the board is set up, you whip this baby out and set it on your opponent’s side of the board, crushing all 16 of his pieces. CHECK AND MATE!

“La, LA, la LA la la, LA, la la LA la …. La, LA, la LA la GGGAGAAAAAAUUUUUGGHH EVERYBODY RUN HE’S PISSED!”

Man, I love me some cheeseburgers! That’s good eating! I say keep it simple when you’re cooking them, too: some freshly ground sirloin, salt and cracked pepper, slice of good cheese, two very large eyes eerilly protruding from the top of the bun, almost defying you to end its life. The classics never really go out of style, you know.

Who’s a good boy? Huh, who’s a good boy? OH PLEASE DEAR LORD I HOPE YOU ARE A GOOD BOY.

I feel like I have to say this every damn time, because people don’t think for themselves: If there’s a boot this big laying around it’s because somewhere nearby there is a very angry giant with one bare foot. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SEEN MESSING WITH HIS BOOT WHEN HE FINDS IT, or he will straight-up step on you. What is wrong with you people?

Structurally unsound, that’s all I’ve got to say about this. The spokes look like they’re made of flimsy wood, and there’s no axle to speak of. I don’t know who these guys are, but it’s clear to me that this tire will not work properly on whatever giant vehicle of demon origin they are building it for. AMATEURS.

These boobies are very large. You can’t really tell from the scale of the picture, but trust me, they’re huge. Giant, huge boobies.

Also: Welcome to our latest batch of pervs arriving via Google!

Here we have a very large cupcake, being mounted by a monkey. This is not something you see every day. No, in fact, it has been at least a week since I have last seen a monkey attempting to get jiggy with a cupcake.

(Note to un-cool people: “get jiggy” is a phrase the kids are using these days to indicate physical intercourse. That, or dancing, I’m not really sure.)

Internal monologue of this adorable little baby, confronted with a comically large pizza:

“Hey, look, something’s happening! Yeah, we’re getting in the car! ALL RIGHT! I love getting in the car. Something cool is about to happen!

“Oh, look, the car has stopped! We’re getting out now! YEAH! The cool thing is bound to be happening now! I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS!

“Hey, is this the place where the cool thing happens? Big building with big doors. Mom and dad are taking me inside … I bet they’re going to get something cool for us!

“… HOLY GREAT MOTHER OF GOD, LOOK AT THAT THING! That looks delicious! I was right, something cool is happening to me today! Yeah!

“But wait. Mom and dad are eating it. But they’re still giving me applesauce and pureed carrots. What? What the heck is this all about, mom and dad? Why can’t I have any of that thing? There’s clearly plenty of it to go around!

…

“Today sucks.”

Hey everybody, I made up another song! Sing this one with me, to the tune of “Rudeboy” by Rihanna:

Come on chicken and waffles, get it up,
Come on chicken and waffles, yeah, you’re big enough,
Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, I feel kinda sick.