Comically Large Things

Here, friends, we have proof of the old “everything in moderation” rule, because as this picture demonstrates, even healthy foods can lead to unfavorable side effects if eaten in too great a quantity. Who is to say what caused this girl’s amazing growth spike – broccoli? liver? blueberries? – but whatever it was, it was clearly too much. Young ladies should not grow to a size at which they are able to stomp the family car.

Lookit! Big ol’ paper airplane. Can you imagine what it took to fold this sucker? I wish I could sit in it and take a ride. Paper airplane ride!

Why do I love this so much? Because it’s bad-ass is why! I would totally put this sucker in my truck, then I’d be ready to roll. Do you like Def Leppard? I sure hope so, because I’m gonna be cranking “High and Dry” once I get this thing in the truck! Rock of ages, ya’all!

BUDDDN BUDDDN BRRRRRMMMMRMMM! Hi, my name is Billy Bad-Ass and I drive an amazingly huge motorcycle. It’s got orange flame effects on the side, so you know it’s tearing it up, even when it’s parked in a mall lot.

Man, if I only I had been there to capture this one myself … I would have totally torn this place up with my sick breakdancing moves! You see, I’m a long-time scholar of the Great Duology of Breakdancing Films – “Breakin’” and “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” – having spent the better part of two years painstakingly deconstructing every move made within them. I’d be going up to every chump at this place and totally saying, “Hey, if I give you a dollar, would you go buy yourself some game?” And they’d be totally faced. Freakshow on the dance floor, ya’all!

There’s something about this photo that makes me question its authenticity. I guess it’s the rough, watercolor-ish sepia tone thing. Doesn’t look real to me. If I didn’t know better, I’d say somebody just drew this. Also lending to my skepticism: the fact that this ant attack was never on the news. It surely would have been, wouldn’t it? I mean, I realize the news industry has become sadly celebrity-centric, but they’d have to report on something like this, wouldn’t they?

VVVRRRROOOOOOOOOMMM! What’s his name!?! Big ol’ truck. F’in A!