Comically Large Things

This is every kid’s dream, and every dental hygienist’s worst nightmare. And can you imagine the stomach ache you’d get if you ate a whole one of these things?

Reminds me of the time I went to McDonald’s on a field trip in second grade. Mom and dad didn’t like McDonald’s, so we never went, which meant I was totally jonesing for it. When we got there, I ate like three Big Macs and a Filet O’Fish and two things of fries. I was sicker than a dog, and still had to walk through the museum that afternoon.

I guess what I’m really trying to say, people, is “moderation in all things, especially when you’re dealing with Filet O’Fish.”

Wonder what this store sells. Lipstick? Costume jewelry? Model airplane glue and paint? Cigars? I dunno. But that’s a heckuva cigar, I’ll tell you that, and it looks like the lips are saying something. Can’t make it out, though.

We had gnomes on my lawn when I was a kid. Mom thought they were cute, and dad was indifferent. Not me, though, because I knew what those things were up to. I watched them from my bedroom window at night, when everybody else in the house was asleep … and the gnomes thought I was too, because I could see them switching positions. So we’d get up in the morning and everybody noticed that the one with the red hat was now standing where the one with the blue hat was yesterday – but nobody said a thing. It created a rift, a silence, which in time would tear our family apart. I hate those damned gnomes.

Also, hello ladies!

You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away and know when to say “hey, bra, you think we could get some normal playing cards in time for next month’s game? Seriously. And Deke, leave the fish tank alone. C’mon. Leave the fish alone.”

Hello girls! Here we have some nice folks using crayons that are ill-suited for writing or coloring. They’re just too big! If you have to use both hands to manipulate the writing instrument, you don’t have a hand free to hold the paper or coloring book in place. That means the paper or the book is gonna go sliding all over the place. A recipe for frustration. Coloring is supposed to be fun!

Holy crap, look at the size of this hose! Unbelievable. You know what would be totally bitchin’ camaro, is if you had a proportionately large sprinkler – one of those that spins around? No, wait, wait EVEN BETTER! A slip-and-slide thing big enough to accommodate the flow of water this sucker puts out! I think I’d probably be too scared to use it, now that I think about it.

Mall owners need to be more diligent about the kinds of things they allow within their space. Look at this irresponsibility, for instance – a scientifically impossible horse, trying to make off with a nice family of shoppers! Somebody is going to lose their job in front of this, I tell you.