This is my secret to winning at chess, and it works every time: You bring your own pieces to the game, including this one. One the board is set up, you whip this baby out and set it on your opponent’s side of the board, crushing all 16 of his pieces. CHECK AND MATE!

Rubber duckie, you’re the one! You make running in fear for my life so much fun!

The venerable video game Tetris celebrates its silver anniversary this year – that’s right, everybody’s favorite puzzle game is 25 years old! And you know, it’s still a lot of fun, isn’t it?

But somehow, when inventor Alexey Pajitnov created this elegantly simple diversion, I don’t imagine he had it in mind that the bricks that comprise his creation would someday become oversized, sentient and threaten the populace. Hardly! This is not was Dr. Pajitnov had in mind, and you giant Tetris pieces should be ashamed of yourselves for thinking this is what your creator wants you to do.

As I so often find myself saying, in these waxing days of the new millennium: What has science wrought?

Lookit! A big magnifying glass! The irony here, of course, is that this thing actually makes things look smaller. They did it wrong.

Also: Hellllooooo ladies!

I’m really leery of piracy and copyright/brand infringement – I’ve had a bad taste in my mouth ever since I got burned on that copy of PhotoShop I got on eBay that turned out to be a dud (my first clue should have been the fact that PhotoShop was spelled with a “K”). And so, color me a cynic, but I’m inclined to believe that this is NOT Curious George but some cheap knock-off. Where’s the guy with the yellow hat? Where’s the Jack Johnson music? I call shenanigans on Curious Forge!

(Curious Forge! Isn’t that clever? Just came up with that, just now. Totally.)

Also: Hellllooo ladies!

“Judge says, ‘what you got in your defense, son?’ I said ’57 channels and nothing’s on.’” Wouldn’t have had that problem if you had this sucker! I bet this thing could find entertaining content at the drop of an antennae-shaped hat. Why, I bet there’s a button here marked “Gooder Than Hell.” Gotta buy one of these.

Also, hellllloooo ladies!

Get out of the way, everybody, because I’m about to rock this thing! The mike stand don’t stand a chance! Seriously, how much fun would it be to get on this thing and bust out a few bars of “Precious and Few” by Climax? Or maybe “After the Lovin’” by Engelbert Humperdinck. That’s one of my classics.

This is every kid’s dream, and every dental hygienist’s worst nightmare. And can you imagine the stomach ache you’d get if you ate a whole one of these things?

Reminds me of the time I went to McDonald’s on a field trip in second grade. Mom and dad didn’t like McDonald’s, so we never went, which meant I was totally jonesing for it. When we got there, I ate like three Big Macs and a Filet O’Fish and two things of fries. I was sicker than a dog, and still had to walk through the museum that afternoon.

I guess what I’m really trying to say, people, is “moderation in all things, especially when you’re dealing with Filet O’Fish.”

Wonder what this store sells. Lipstick? Costume jewelry? Model airplane glue and paint? Cigars? I dunno. But that’s a heckuva cigar, I’ll tell you that, and it looks like the lips are saying something. Can’t make it out, though.

We had gnomes on my lawn when I was a kid. Mom thought they were cute, and dad was indifferent. Not me, though, because I knew what those things were up to. I watched them from my bedroom window at night, when everybody else in the house was asleep … and the gnomes thought I was too, because I could see them switching positions. So we’d get up in the morning and everybody noticed that the one with the red hat was now standing where the one with the blue hat was yesterday – but nobody said a thing. It created a rift, a silence, which in time would tear our family apart. I hate those damned gnomes.

Also, hello ladies!