Comically Large Things

I have no idea what these things are used for, as I am not a fisherman myself (which has been previously established). I think this is the thing you put the worm inside, and the smell it gives off as it tries to escape attracts the fish. Or something like that.

I know very little about fishing. In fact, you can sum up my entire body of fishing knowledge in this one sentence: It has something to do with going out on a boat and coming back with fish in your possession.

That said, I’m going to call shenanigans on this lure, if only for reasons of simple physics: namely, any fish large enough to bite down on this thing is not only going to be too large to reel in, it probably poses mortal danger to any humans in its vicinity.

I am a forgiving person, a gentle soul I assure you, but I don’t think I can ever forgive Kirsti Baumgartner. A young man’s heart is a fragile thing, Kirsti, and when that young man buys you an iron-on from the snack bar and gives it to you during couples skate, you don’t just walk away without saying anything. And I damn sure won’t ever forgive Mr. Johnston the maintenance man, who had the boys’ bathroom locked that day when I crapped in my pants.

AAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH! They’ve had all the abuse they’re going to take, and they’re plenty mad! You would be too if you spent the last two centuries being struck repeatedly by 16-pound balls, even if they do have fanciful colors and designs. Who can blame any of the participants of the Great Bowling Pin Revolution? Surely not I. I have taken part in knocking down more than my fair share of them.

Not long ago, I decided to watch a soccer game to see what all the fuss was about. You know what happened? Not much, that’s what. Guys ran back and forth for an hour, nobody scored, and then it ended. In a tie. What? A tie? Where do you think you’re going? Keep playing until somebody wins! I thought this was a sport, not Scrabble! Why couldn’t a nice pair of giant female legs have walked into that game, huh?

COUPLES SKATE! It is on. You tell me – is there anything hotter than a good-looking blonde, skating backwards while Foreigner’s “Double Vision” is pumping? Hell no there isn’t, and you’re wrong if you say there is. Just imagine the hotness coming off of a blonde skating backwards in this thing! Only problem: we’d need to find a second skate, as well as a sufficiently large blonde.

This little lady’s got the right idea. Frankly, I need one of those big ol’ sweatbands for when I’m rocking the Dance Dance Revolution. You should see the sweat I generate when rocking the DDR. It’s insane the amount of fluid that comes flying off of me. But it’s good times, you know? That’s how it is when you’ve got a mind to rhyme and two hype feet.