Comically Large Things

When I got my MBA from Ohio State University, I specialized in customer psychology and merchandising at retail. The display we see here violates some basic merchandising rules that have been established over time as best practices: (1) If you’re selling panties, don’t remove them from the package and stretch them out with clothespins; (2) Don’t market your panties near the roller blades; and most importantly, (3) Offer a wide variety of panty colors. Pink and red? Some people are not traditionalists; they want colorful patterns and textures on their embarrassingly large delicates.

I like big butt-shaped cakes and I cannot lie! And you already know you can’t deny. This has to be the single greatest cake ever made. You know why? Because it can also look like boobs if you squint at it just right. I call the jean label! That’s some serious frosting action.

I don’t really know what I want to say about this. I know what Dr. Freud would say – or at least I think I do. But sometimes a corn dog is just a corn dog, you know? Maybe the faithful readers can make sense of this in the comments.

This is a giant wallet. You really need a giant wallet if you want to carry enough cash to pay for gasoline, you know? At today’s prices, who can afford to drive? Am I right, people, or what?

“Here’s to good friends … tonight is kinda special!” Nothing sets off good times among a bunch of guys like a frighteningly large butt plug, the kind designed for horse owners. Get some of your broughams together, pop open some Pabst BR’s, fire up the Widespread Panic channel on the satellite radio, and pass around the butt plug. It just doesn’t get any better than this.

Is that a dude? I think that’s a dude. Got a very manly face, but a very un-manly figure. Let me tell you this much, though: If I get put next to this person on an airplane, I’m gonna be upset. Somebody’s gonna lose their job in front of that.

Man, could I use a nap. And I’d totally take one on this freakish couch, a couch that stands no chance of making it into any but the largest of homes. I think even if I took my front door off its hinges, I still wouldn’t be able to get this thing in. But that’s okay, because the powder blue color wouldn’t go with any of my other stuff.