Impossible to tell from this angle what kind of animal that is, but I’m guessing a bull. Like one of those Merrill Lynch bulls. You know, the one in the Bugs Bunny cartoon about the bull fighter, where he swallows the rifle and then can shoot bullets out his horn by swinging his tail? That one. That’s what I bet this animal looks like.

Also: A warm welcome to the latest batch of pervs arriving via Google!

Holy crap. These guys are huddling up and getting ready to kick some stuff! If I were a round, black-and-white ball, I’d be totally piddling myself right now.

Do soccer balls piddle? I’ve never thought of that until just now, but it’s an interesting philosophical question. Like whether or not fish drink their own pee. Yeah, it’s exactly like that.

I got nothin’. Damned kids these days.

Ahhhh hahahahahaha …. hahahaha … toilet!

Hey, check it out – I just made up another song! Sing this one to the tune of “No Air” by Jordan Sparks and Chris Brown:

Tell me how’m I s’posed to breath with no pants / Ain’t you gonna see me with big pants / Tried to wear ‘em to school but they kept falling down / Ooooohhh, no pants / Ooooohhh, big pants.

BIG PANTS, BIG PANTS!

That’s the greatest song in the world. Except the high note makes my throat hurt. I always sing it way too loud, and then regret it.

(Also: Helllloo ladies!)

I’m at a loss for words. Truly. My heart aches with the magnificence of this. I have but this to offer: HELLLLOOOO LADIES!

(Get it? I have “but” this? AAAHAHAHAHAHA! Classic.)

“Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette / smoke, smoke, smoke and if you smoke yourself to death / Tell St. Peter at the golden gate, that he’s gonna have to wait / ’cause you’ve just gotta have another 20-foot-tall cigarette.”

When I got my MBA from Ohio State University, I specialized in customer psychology and merchandising at retail. The display we see here violates some basic merchandising rules that have been established over time as best practices: (1) If you’re selling panties, don’t remove them from the package and stretch them out with clothespins; (2) Don’t market your panties near the roller blades; and most importantly, (3) Offer a wide variety of panty colors. Pink and red? Some people are not traditionalists; they want colorful patterns and textures on their embarrassingly large delicates.

I like big butt-shaped cakes and I cannot lie! And you already know you can’t deny. This has to be the single greatest cake ever made. You know why? Because it can also look like boobs if you squint at it just right. I call the jean label! That’s some serious frosting action.

I don’t really know what I want to say about this. I know what Dr. Freud would say – or at least I think I do. But sometimes a corn dog is just a corn dog, you know? Maybe the faithful readers can make sense of this in the comments.