Comically Large Things

Helllloooo ladies! Love the sight of this. This woman is not only enormous in scale, she is also huge in bravery and social comfort - here she is, laying on her back inside some sort of retail establishment, her fishnetted legs sticking out the window for all below and above to enjoy! I gotta start shopping there.

Let the good times roll! Exquisitely trimmed and groomed beards/mustaches, elegant clothes, world-class chapeaus. And a bottle of something. This, my friends, is living!

Hey look, it’s a giant library card! Woo-hoo! This means you can finally reserve and take home your copy of Johnny McBiggington’s Big Stuff and Large Things and Whatnot Etcetera! Now, if only they had the foresight to purchase a sufficiently large barcode scanner. Curses! Foiled again!

Umm … uh … well, okay.

True story: I won a giant check when I was in fourth grade. It was for an essay contest, and my piece was titled “I Pity the Consciousness: Cartesian Dualism in the Milieu of The A Team.” Swept the damn awards, I can tell you. So I get the check and I’m all ready to take it to the bank and cash it, when Ms. Milliver comes over and asks for it back - it’s just a prop, she says, it’s not really a check, she says, they’ve got a gift certificate for O.G. Wilson’s that I can have and the check was never really mine.

Something changed in me that day. The young boy that had enough trust in his heart to take the world at face value grew up abruptly; things looked a little bit different from that point on, and although I would learn to trust again, I would go through my youth wondering what other cherished tenet of my faith might be built upon shaky sand.

Oh, and yes, hellllooo ladies!

I love me some hot dogs. Like to overcook them on the grill, burn ‘em just a bit - because carbonization + ketchup = daddy is happy!

But this hot dog doesn’t please me. He’s behaving inappropriately. Not sure what he’s thinking in this picture, but I’ll bet you anything it has the words “eat” and “me” in it. Not polite, especially given how pleasant this woman is. She seems like she’s really sweet. She deserves better than some vile hot dog man/boy, acting ten kinds of fool with the ketchup and the mustard.

I hate to get all political, but this is yet another instance of the dangers of cut-rate, imported toys. Here we see a stuffed animal - a nice little doggy, yes? - attacking a young girl who was foolhardy enough to cuddle with it. Mercury is great for thermometers, people, but it’s not good for the water supply. Watch what you’re doing, and check the labels on the toys you’re buying!