Comically Large Things

This both delights me and saddens me; it simultaneously shows how far we have come as a species and how far we have fallen.

On the one hand, we have what can only be seen as a sentient taco. It has evolved to the point that it has grown eyes and can take in the world around it. Surely nature’s wonders are profound and amazing!

On the other hand … what do we do with this fledgling, innocent, doe-eyed meat/cheese/carb creature? We eat it, of course, our callous and callow bellies never full enough, our ravenous, selfish spirit never sated. Such are the times and such are we, this beautiful and horrible humanity.

Oh, and also … helllllooo ladies!

Man, I love me some Toblerone. That’s that triangular chocolate from Belgium or Sweden or one of those countries. You know. And it’s all broken into little pieces, but there’s just a tiny little bit on the bottom holding them together? Some people bite off pieces, but I like to use my fingers and break them off, because it gives that satisfying little sound, only sometimes it’s harder than it oughtta be and I get my fingernail pinched in there and I don’t like that. I also don’t like fingernails in general. But toenails – don’t get me started on toenails! If I could take a pill that would make me never have to clip my toenails again, I would pay good money for it, yes I would. Hate clipping my toenails. Wait a minute, what were we talking about again?

Oh yes, and also: Hellllloooo ladies!

Lookit! A big magnifying glass! The irony here, of course, is that this thing actually makes things look smaller. They did it wrong.

Also: Hellllooooo ladies!

Here’s a very large wooden chair. It’s done in what you’d call a rustic style – the wood is unfinished and uneven, and that’s what lends this beauty its charm. A real conversation piece, this one.

Also: Hellllllooooo ladies!

Holy crap. These guys are huddling up and getting ready to kick some stuff! If I were a round, black-and-white ball, I’d be totally piddling myself right now.

Do soccer balls piddle? I’ve never thought of that until just now, but it’s an interesting philosophical question. Like whether or not fish drink their own pee. Yeah, it’s exactly like that.

Laugh all you want, suckers – this lady is probably smarter than all of us. You see, that hat is made of a special metal alloy that blocks the theta waves that are raining down on us every day from the space elevators. The theta waves were an unintended consequence of a benevolent technology gone horribly wrong, of course, and sometimes it falls to the people to find their own solutions.

This lady found a solution, and her mind is now safe. Plus, she looks snazzy. Who’s laughing now?

I got nothin’. Damned kids these days.