Man, I’m thirsty right now. So very thirsty … wish it was Friday, because then I could get my drink on, but it’s only Thursday …

Hey … wait a minute … “thirsty Thursday!” Get it? It kinda rhymes, and it’s kinda alliterative? THIRSTY THURSDAY! That’s a new one! Man, I’m clever.

Also: Helllllooooo ladies!

WHAT HAS SCIENCE WROUGHT!?!?

Oh jeez, I need to calm down. This “progress” is really getting to me. We now hatch families? Sexual reproduction wasn’t good enough for us as a species? I understand now why the Doctor occasionally turns a blind eye to our plight, ashamed of humanity.

CURSE YOU ALIEN VISITORS AND YOUR “HELPFUL TECHNOLOGY”!!

The first known ruler dates back to the Indus Valley civilizations, more than 3,000 years ago. They were crude but surprisingly accurate instruments, carved from ivory and nicked with measurements.

This ruler, on the other hand, is made from a giant plank of flooring. It can be used to measure all sorts of things! Like other pieces of flooring, perhaps. Or the heights of several girls. All sorts of practical uses for this comically large ruler.

Also, and this is pivotal: Helllloooo ladies!

This milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right! Unfortunately, the yard was shortly thereafter overrun by screaming children, somewhere between 40 and 50 of them, all punching and kicking and flailing. The milkshake was spilled some time later.

Mmmm … this one is romantic. We’ve all read our fair share of apocalyptic science fiction in which the aliens land for some far-from-benign purpose. Think about “V,” for instance, where the pretty leader Diana was actually a lizard who was here to harvest human beings for food.

But this giant lady … I don’t know! I don’t get that kind of vibe from here. She’s got such a sweet look about her, I’ve got to believe she’s just looking for some companionship. It can’t be easy being that much larger than your significant other, now can it? Maybe all she wants is a soft, tender kiss.

Or, contrariwise, perhaps she truly is about to bite this guy’s face off. Still unclear at this point.

Here, for instance, we have three perfectly lovely young ladies, enjoying life (as they should) in a chair of just plain stupid proportions. Chairs like this make no sense. Is our obesity problem really that bad, that we need triple-wide seating?

At any rate, no, we don’t, the chair is just plain silly. Even sillier is the fact that we don’t know where this picture was taken! Please, people, document your adventures with comically large things! Make a note of the city and state, or at the very least get a website of the business where you saw it!

Also: Helllloooo ladies! You already know!

Not that it isn’t already interesting! I mean, think about all of the people you get to meet. Plumbing problems know no race, gender or socioeconomic boundaries. Why, were I a plumber, I imagine I would get to meet all kinds of fascinating folks! People from all walks of life! Astronauts, chefs, masseuses, sommeliers, musicians, snack machine restocker guys, men who wear monocles, cat groomers, fire hydrant painters, carpet de-lousers, the list boggles the mind!

And such interesting tools. Did you know that plumbers use something called a reamer? I had no idea. Then, at other times, they need the servics of a deburrer. No idea what that does, either, but it sounds quite nice.

Also: Helllllooooo ladies!

This both delights me and saddens me; it simultaneously shows how far we have come as a species and how far we have fallen.

On the one hand, we have what can only be seen as a sentient taco. It has evolved to the point that it has grown eyes and can take in the world around it. Surely nature’s wonders are profound and amazing!

On the other hand … what do we do with this fledgling, innocent, doe-eyed meat/cheese/carb creature? We eat it, of course, our callous and callow bellies never full enough, our ravenous, selfish spirit never sated. Such are the times and such are we, this beautiful and horrible humanity.

Oh, and also … helllllooo ladies!

Man, I love me some Toblerone. That’s that triangular chocolate from Belgium or Sweden or one of those countries. You know. And it’s all broken into little pieces, but there’s just a tiny little bit on the bottom holding them together? Some people bite off pieces, but I like to use my fingers and break them off, because it gives that satisfying little sound, only sometimes it’s harder than it oughtta be and I get my fingernail pinched in there and I don’t like that. I also don’t like fingernails in general. But toenails – don’t get me started on toenails! If I could take a pill that would make me never have to clip my toenails again, I would pay good money for it, yes I would. Hate clipping my toenails. Wait a minute, what were we talking about again?

Oh yes, and also: Hellllloooo ladies!

Lookit! A big magnifying glass! The irony here, of course, is that this thing actually makes things look smaller. They did it wrong.

Also: Hellllooooo ladies!