Comically Large Things

Man, I’m thirsty right now. So very thirsty … wish it was Friday, because then I could get my drink on, but it’s only Thursday …

Hey … wait a minute … “thirsty Thursday!” Get it? It kinda rhymes, and it’s kinda alliterative? THIRSTY THURSDAY! That’s a new one! Man, I’m clever.

Also: Helllllooooo ladies!

WHAT HAS SCIENCE WROUGHT!?!?

Oh jeez, I need to calm down. This “progress” is really getting to me. We now hatch families? Sexual reproduction wasn’t good enough for us as a species? I understand now why the Doctor occasionally turns a blind eye to our plight, ashamed of humanity.

CURSE YOU ALIEN VISITORS AND YOUR “HELPFUL TECHNOLOGY”!!

The first known ruler dates back to the Indus Valley civilizations, more than 3,000 years ago. They were crude but surprisingly accurate instruments, carved from ivory and nicked with measurements.

This ruler, on the other hand, is made from a giant plank of flooring. It can be used to measure all sorts of things! Like other pieces of flooring, perhaps. Or the heights of several girls. All sorts of practical uses for this comically large ruler.

Also, and this is pivotal: Helllloooo ladies!

This milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right! Unfortunately, the yard was shortly thereafter overrun by screaming children, somewhere between 40 and 50 of them, all punching and kicking and flailing. The milkshake was spilled some time later.

Mmmm … this one is romantic. We’ve all read our fair share of apocalyptic science fiction in which the aliens land for some far-from-benign purpose. Think about “V,” for instance, where the pretty leader Diana was actually a lizard who was here to harvest human beings for food.

But this giant lady … I don’t know! I don’t get that kind of vibe from here. She’s got such a sweet look about her, I’ve got to believe she’s just looking for some companionship. It can’t be easy being that much larger than your significant other, now can it? Maybe all she wants is a soft, tender kiss.

Or, contrariwise, perhaps she truly is about to bite this guy’s face off. Still unclear at this point.

Listen people, because I’m only going to say this a couple of times, unless I forget, in which case I’ll say it again: if you’re going to take a photo of yourself enjoying some Comically Large Things, please try to document where the photo is taking place!

Here, for instance, we have three perfectly lovely young ladies, enjoying life (as they should) in a chair of just plain stupid proportions. Chairs like this make no sense. Is our obesity problem really that bad, that we need triple-wide seating?

At any rate, no, we don’t, the chair is just plain silly. Even sillier is the fact that we don’t know where this picture was taken! Please, people, document your adventures with comically large things! Make a note of the city and state, or at the very least get a website of the business where you saw it!

Also: Helllloooo ladies! You already know!

Here, ladies and gentlemen, is a very large flower. Very large. Just look at the “vase” its stem is perched inside. I didn’t know they made transparent PVC pipe. They should, though, because that would make plumbing a much more interesting profession.

Not that it isn’t already interesting! I mean, think about all of the people you get to meet. Plumbing problems know no race, gender or socioeconomic boundaries. Why, were I a plumber, I imagine I would get to meet all kinds of fascinating folks! People from all walks of life! Astronauts, chefs, masseuses, sommeliers, musicians, snack machine restocker guys, men who wear monocles, cat groomers, fire hydrant painters, carpet de-lousers, the list boggles the mind!

And such interesting tools. Did you know that plumbers use something called a reamer? I had no idea. Then, at other times, they need the servics of a deburrer. No idea what that does, either, but it sounds quite nice.

Also: Helllllooooo ladies!