Comically Large Things

Internal monologue of this adorable little baby, confronted with a comically large pizza:

“Hey, look, something’s happening! Yeah, we’re getting in the car! ALL RIGHT! I love getting in the car. Something cool is about to happen!

“Oh, look, the car has stopped! We’re getting out now! YEAH! The cool thing is bound to be happening now! I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS!

“Hey, is this the place where the cool thing happens? Big building with big doors. Mom and dad are taking me inside … I bet they’re going to get something cool for us!

“… HOLY GREAT MOTHER OF GOD, LOOK AT THAT THING! That looks delicious! I was right, something cool is happening to me today! Yeah!

“But wait. Mom and dad are eating it. But they’re still giving me applesauce and pureed carrots. What? What the heck is this all about, mom and dad? Why can’t I have any of that thing? There’s clearly plenty of it to go around!

…

“Today sucks.”

Hey brougham, what’s up? I’m just chillaxing, listening to the new Chromeo mix I just downloaded. It’s not as good as their previous work. You should come over later, we’re gonna drink some PBR and watch the Latin HBO channel in, like, a totally non-ironic way. Hey, would you bring your latest copy of McSweeney’s with you if you drop by? I totally want to borrow it from you.

No, seriously, dude, you should come over and bring your McSweeney’s, because otherwise I’m gonna crush you like a bug.

See, this just makes all of us guys look bad. We go out of our way to stop at Kroger on the way home and get you flowers. And we don’t even get the sorry-ass $3.99 bouquet. No, we opt for the $9.99 one, because it’s nicer and has some of that frilly white stuff in it and you know, you’re worth it, honey.

But then some jerk face comes along and buys his girl THIS giant thing, and we all look like tools. Thanks a lot, jerk face!

Also: HELLLLLOOOO LADIES!

Man, I’m thirsty right now. So very thirsty … wish it was Friday, because then I could get my drink on, but it’s only Thursday …

Hey … wait a minute … “thirsty Thursday!” Get it? It kinda rhymes, and it’s kinda alliterative? THIRSTY THURSDAY! That’s a new one! Man, I’m clever.

Also: Helllllooooo ladies!

WHAT HAS SCIENCE WROUGHT!?!?

Oh jeez, I need to calm down. This “progress” is really getting to me. We now hatch families? Sexual reproduction wasn’t good enough for us as a species? I understand now why the Doctor occasionally turns a blind eye to our plight, ashamed of humanity.

CURSE YOU ALIEN VISITORS AND YOUR “HELPFUL TECHNOLOGY”!!

The first known ruler dates back to the Indus Valley civilizations, more than 3,000 years ago. They were crude but surprisingly accurate instruments, carved from ivory and nicked with measurements.

This ruler, on the other hand, is made from a giant plank of flooring. It can be used to measure all sorts of things! Like other pieces of flooring, perhaps. Or the heights of several girls. All sorts of practical uses for this comically large ruler.

Also, and this is pivotal: Helllloooo ladies!

This milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right! Unfortunately, the yard was shortly thereafter overrun by screaming children, somewhere between 40 and 50 of them, all punching and kicking and flailing. The milkshake was spilled some time later.