Comically Large Things

Wonder what this store sells. Lipstick? Costume jewelry? Model airplane glue and paint? Cigars? I dunno. But that’s a heckuva cigar, I’ll tell you that, and it looks like the lips are saying something. Can’t make it out, though.

You know that old saying about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, or something? Turns out it’s three. Three angels can dance on the head of a pin.

Stacy and Clinton would have a field day with this! That shade of green is all wrong – ALL WRONG I TELL YOU – for see-through. And where’s the clean line? There isn’t one. Plus, those bottom pockets are way disproportionate with the top ones. If you wear this, people are going to stare at you – and not in a good way, honey.

Hello girls! Here we have some nice folks using crayons that are ill-suited for writing or coloring. They’re just too big! If you have to use both hands to manipulate the writing instrument, you don’t have a hand free to hold the paper or coloring book in place. That means the paper or the book is gonna go sliding all over the place. A recipe for frustration. Coloring is supposed to be fun!

Hey look, it’s a giant library card! Woo-hoo! This means you can finally reserve and take home your copy of Johnny McBiggington’s Big Stuff and Large Things and Whatnot Etcetera! Now, if only they had the foresight to purchase a sufficiently large barcode scanner. Curses! Foiled again!

Advertising has changed drastically over the past five years; media buyers are looking to staunch the bleeding caused by viewers skipping ads with their TiVos and downloading ad-free media from an unimaginable wealth of sources. The conventional advertising model indeed appears to be broken; the solution, clearly, is to make the advertising venues bigger.

It was in response to this need that the estimable Dr. Hereford von Schnittke entered his top-secret laboratory in Belgium, armed with an untold number of chemical compounds and the arcane knowledge of the centuries. He emerged months later, a victorious smile upon his face – he had created the monster newspaper, a hybrid of publishing vehicle and blood-drenched hellspawn. Customers would no longer be able to avoid advertisements – oh, no, they would not! Dr. von Schnittke had quite seen to that.

Oh, and, yes – helllllloooo ladies!

Lookit! Big ol’ paper airplane. Can you imagine what it took to fold this sucker? I wish I could sit in it and take a ride. Paper airplane ride!