The first known ruler dates back to the Indus Valley civilizations, more than 3,000 years ago. They were crude but surprisingly accurate instruments, carved from ivory and nicked with measurements.

This ruler, on the other hand, is made from a giant plank of flooring. It can be used to measure all sorts of things! Like other pieces of flooring, perhaps. Or the heights of several girls. All sorts of practical uses for this comically large ruler.

Also, and this is pivotal: Helllloooo ladies!

I had one of these pretend doctor’s kits when I was a kid. It was cheap black plastic and it kinda hurt your fingers to open the snap on the top. Inside was a plastic stethoscope, and a little plastic hammer that you were supposed to hit people on the knees with, and some plastic glasses.

OH CRAP, I’m all nostalgic for my lost youth now. I’d better stay away from eBay until the feeling passes, or I’ll end up buying another Rick Springfield record.

I have what some people might call an “office supply fetish.” I love pens, mechanical pencils, notebooks, blotters, paperweights. Oh crap, I left my new paper weight at home today! This awesome on I got for Christmas, totally left it on the stereo.

ANYWAY. Yeah, so I love pens. Fountain pens are awesome! Have you ever used a fountain pen? It makes you feel like you’re a Dickens character. Totally kicks arse. But this pen here, I don’t think I’d get so much enjoyment out of writing with it. I’d more likely get back ache, I think.

GGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Crap! Get it off!!

Here’s a very large wooden chair. It’s done in what you’d call a rustic style – the wood is unfinished and uneven, and that’s what lends this beauty its charm. A real conversation piece, this one.

Also: Hellllllooooo ladies!

When the roll of tape is this big, it becomes more important than ever to fold a little bit of the end over, so that you can easily get it started when you need to use it again. Isn’t that the worst thing ever, when you’re trying to get a piece of tape but you can’t pull it off evenly because it’s all stuck, and then it rips and goes down in little strips? You know what I’m talking about. That totally drives me nuts.

People who collect coins are called “noomismatics,” and those folks would salivate at the sight of this giant 2-dollar coin. What the photo doesn’t show, interestingly, is the giant vending machine that is situated just off to the right; next to it is a similarly large claw game, one of those things that always cheats and drops the stuffed animal right before you get it over the chute. I hate those things!

Wonder what this store sells. Lipstick? Costume jewelry? Model airplane glue and paint? Cigars? I dunno. But that’s a heckuva cigar, I’ll tell you that, and it looks like the lips are saying something. Can’t make it out, though.

You know that old saying about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, or something? Turns out it’s three. Three angels can dance on the head of a pin.

Stacy and Clinton would have a field day with this! That shade of green is all wrong – ALL WRONG I TELL YOU – for see-through. And where’s the clean line? There isn’t one. Plus, those bottom pockets are way disproportionate with the top ones. If you wear this, people are going to stare at you – and not in a good way, honey.