Comically Large Things

I really enjoy typing the phrase “giant shrimp,” because it’s inherently contradictory. It’s like saying “tiny behemoth” or “interesting game of golf” – by it’s very nature and definition, simply not possible. But this giant shrimp defies convention right out of the gate, namely by wearing a ten-gallon hat and carrying a firearm! Nobody better screw around with ol’ Deputy Cocktail Sauce here. Because he’s packing. Nice bandana, too.

Let the good times roll! Exquisitely trimmed and groomed beards/mustaches, elegant clothes, world-class chapeaus. And a bottle of something. This, my friends, is living!

Man, I really want to comment on this hat. And I really want to say “Hellllooo ladies!” But I can’t concentrate because of that damned tattoo. Just look at that! Can you imagine how bad that must have hurt! It’s right there on the ticklish bit! JEEZ! Makes me itch just thinking about it. Still, very nice, large hat.

Hey, I just made up another song. Sing this one to the tune of “Beautiful Soul” by Jesse McCartney:

I don’t want another giant hat / I don’t need anyone to hold me / I don’t want another giant hat / because I’m scared there might be some kind of parasitic thing inside that will go into my ear canal like the thing in “Star Trek II” and eat my brains!

Frosted Lucky Charms … they’ll scare the crap out of you! This guy looks like he’s actually trying to pick up a girl wearing a giant leprechaun head. That says something about the man’s confidence. He’s got some. What he doesn’t have is a sense of either discretion or proportion. I wonder if that’s a homemade leprechaun head or if he bought it somewhere? I looked on Amazon, but didn’t see any.

This little lady’s got the right idea. Frankly, I need one of those big ol’ sweatbands for when I’m rocking the Dance Dance Revolution. You should see the sweat I generate when rocking the DDR. It’s insane the amount of fluid that comes flying off of me. But it’s good times, you know? That’s how it is when you’ve got a mind to rhyme and two hype feet.

Is there anything better than having somebody put a giant hat on you and sing to you? If there is, I haven’t discovered it yet. This particular hat is a strange choice for a birthday party, but when it’s your birthday you get to make the rules, I guess. One time on my birthday they gave me a hat that had a little space on the brim to hold a basket of chips, and another thing around on the other side that held salsa. That was the best birthday hat in the whole history of the world.