Comically Large Things

“La, LA, la LA la la, LA, la la LA la …. La, LA, la LA la GGGAGAAAAAAUUUUUGGHH EVERYBODY RUN HE’S PISSED!”

Who’s a good boy? Who is? This giant bulldog is, that’s who! YES HE IS! YES HE IS! And look at the size of that hat!

Dogs love wearing hats. It’s probably their second-favorite thing in the world, second only to playing poker. Oh wait, they also love knitting. Well, scotties do, anyway. But this fella, he’s so big, and his paws are so huge, I doubt he could hold knitting needles. Or playing cards, for that matter. It ain’t easy being large.

Sing along with me now, the good ole’ Sunday morning spiritual: “Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / let it overflow with OH GOD IT’S OVERFLOWING WITH SOME BEARDED GUY WEARING A HAT.”

Lookit! A big magnifying glass! The irony here, of course, is that this thing actually makes things look smaller. They did it wrong.

Also: Hellllooooo ladies!

Laugh all you want, suckers – this lady is probably smarter than all of us. You see, that hat is made of a special metal alloy that blocks the theta waves that are raining down on us every day from the space elevators. The theta waves were an unintended consequence of a benevolent technology gone horribly wrong, of course, and sometimes it falls to the people to find their own solutions.

This lady found a solution, and her mind is now safe. Plus, she looks snazzy. Who’s laughing now?

It’s Derby Week here in my humble hometown of Louisville, Ky., and you know what that means – time to break out the silly hats! This one goes way back, as you can tell from the yellowing of the photo, to a time when only the very wealthy could afford large hats; the majority of the population was relegated to wearing hats of normal proportions.

The war between the haves and the have-nots has done nothing but escalate, of course, and today the Great Hat Disparity of 1973 still burns fresh in the memory of those who lived through it. More people can buy large hats today, thanks to cheap foreign labor and an influx of inexpensive materials; however, the credit market is flooded with high-interest loans designed to get people into hats that they cannot really afford. You have no business leasing a hat, people, and if the salesman tries to talk you into a lease, then what you’re looking at is simply too much hat.

Oh, and also – helllooooo ladies!

This is a nice looking hat. It’s a bit big for her, but it kinda has to be to accommodate that impressive design.

Also, hellllooo ladies!