Sing along with me now, the good ole’ Sunday morning spiritual: “Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / let it overflow with OH GOD IT’S OVERFLOWING WITH SOME BEARDED GUY WEARING A HAT.”

Call me crazy, but I think the guy on the other end of this giant hand needs to see a doctor. What’s with those big, thick pink lines going around his skin? That can’t be good. And the unusual coloration, the unhealthy pallor. Dude, you gotta get that checked out.

While you’re in there, ask him if he can tell you why your hand is larger than most peoples’ entire body. I’d like to know the answer to that one, too.

No manners, that’s all I have to say about this. Here we have a stone golem, taking out his centuries-old hostility on a perfectly nice woman who just happened to walk by. His sorcerer was evidently a cruel master, and it imbued his stony heart with a distrust of all humanity.

Still, no need to hit a lady. Never cool, golem.

Hey, you know what they say about guys with big feet, right? They gotta buy big shoes.

That’s a classic. Always funny. Also: Helllllooo ladies!

Jeez-o-pete, would you look at this. Whatever happened to hygiene? Whatever happened to taking basic care of yourself? My god, the filth on this thing is crusted on so thick it’s actually two-tone. One shudders to think where this thing has been. Kids, do not suck on this one!

Lady, look out! There’s an abnormally large hand reaching for you! Drop the bottled water and run!

Let this be a lesson to all of you, kids: You need to pay better attention to your surroundings. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the minutiae of day-to-day affairs, noses to the grindstone and blinders engaged and blocking out the larger view of the world. But what do you lose when you pour yourself into your tunnel vision? You lose the big picture. You lose a global perspective. And you lose the sense of initiative that comes from knowing a giant hand is about to squeeze the bejeezus out of you.

Lady, look out! Two monstrous hands are extracting themselves from terra firma, and they’re slouching toward you! Start running now and you might stand a chance! Gaia has had all she is going to take of humanity, I suppose, and you, dear girl, stand poised to receive her wrath … RUN!

Who’s number one? WE’RE NUMBER ONE! Damn straight. And this lovely young lady has latched onto one of the great unspoken secrets of awesomeness – you take your rockin’ to a whole ‘nother place when you match your shirt with your giant foam hand. Color coordination tells your momma like it is!

I don’t really know what I want to say about this. I know what Dr. Freud would say – or at least I think I do. But sometimes a corn dog is just a corn dog, you know? Maybe the faithful readers can make sense of this in the comments.

These people need to call a service. There’s a giant hand crawling down their wall! It’s something they need to act on right away, too, because it looks like they’ve got some nice cherry-wood furniture. You don’t screw around with stuff like giant hands, because they love crushing stuff. Seriously, you might think you’re saving money by treating this kind of thing yourself with some bottle of spray you bought at Home Depot, but there are some things where you just want a professional involved. This is one of them.