“You are about to get one mother of a stomach ache. Why did you eat this thing, anyway? Don’t you realize that fortune cookies are not authentic Asian cuisine, but rather another crass bit of westernization? Shame on you. I bet you ordered sweet and sour chicken, didn’t you? You putz. Lucky numbers: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, & 42″
Notice the happy look on everybody’s face in this picture. You see it? You see how happy they are to be standing there, smiling for the camera? Well, savor it, because ten seconds after this photo was taken, the pig was lying on the ground, the result of a crotch-ful of this woman’s knee.
Let me tell you something I’ve learned from experience, friends, and you’ll be wise to listen: Giant pigs are all hands. You see one wanting to get a photo with you and the little lady, you be on your guard. Get that ham sandwich look in your eye, and let the bastard know that you mean business.
How much you wanna bet these things are covered with bite marks? Especially the bacon strips. I know if I was in the room, I’d be hard pressed not to press my teeth hard into them. Bacon is gooder than hell!
Hey, wait a minute … what if they put some kind of flavored coating on them? You know, so that you could lick them? Oh my goodness, that would be irredeemably wonderful. I think I need to go sit down for a minute. My back hurts all of a sudden.
Holy mother of all that is natural. Look at all this ice cream. In fact, look at it very carefully, because if you’re truly alert, you’ll notice my right foot sticking out of it.
This is every kid’s dream, and every dental hygienist’s worst nightmare. And can you imagine the stomach ache you’d get if you ate a whole one of these things?
Reminds me of the time I went to McDonald’s on a field trip in second grade. Mom and dad didn’t like McDonald’s, so we never went, which meant I was totally jonesing for it. When we got there, I ate like three Big Macs and a Filet O’Fish and two things of fries. I was sicker than a dog, and still had to walk through the museum that afternoon.
I guess what I’m really trying to say, people, is “moderation in all things, especially when you’re dealing with Filet O’Fish.”
Dude, are you gonna eat all that? Because I call halfsies! Oh, wait a minute, that’s the Supreme, which has mayo on it. Never mind, you can have it.
Bottoms up! Let the good times roll. Copious amounts of liquid bread + girl = gooder than hell!