Comically Large Things

I really enjoy typing the phrase “giant shrimp,” because it’s inherently contradictory. It’s like saying “tiny behemoth” or “interesting game of golf” - by it’s very nature and definition, simply not possible. But this giant shrimp defies convention right out of the gate, namely by wearing a ten-gallon hat and carrying a firearm! Nobody better screw around with ol’ Deputy Cocktail Sauce here. Because he’s packing. Nice bandana, too.

Helllllloooo ladies! Nice looking taco you’ve got there. It’s rather large.

But I wonder why you felt the need to write the word “taco” on the side of it. Did you think you would forget what it is, as if its shape weren’t self-evident? Because if you were planning to put it aside for some period of time before ingesting it, maybe it would have been a better choice to place it in some sort of container - Tupperware, perhaps, or a simple sheen of Saran Wrap - and mark said container with the taco moniker. As it is, though, you’re about to eat a not-insubstantial amount of Sharpie fluid. That can’t be good for you.

I’m not one who is given to hyperbole. Really, I’m not. But I have to say, this scares the Jonas out of me! I can totally get behind giant desserts. I’ve eaten more than my share of them. But none of them were able to fly! I shudder to think what might be hiding inside this thing, biding its time, waiting for the right mouth to chomp down on it - and then - SLAM! The little alien thing jumps out and goes right down your throat and possesses your body. Don’t eat food that knows how to fly!

It’s the giant lemon that draws you in, but it’s the jalapeno pepper cheese on a stick that makes you stay! Ladies, if your man insists on downing one of these, you need to insist on separate beds tonight.

DUDE, GET OUT OF THE WAY! There’s a huge pizza cutter rolling toward you … and dammit if it doesn’t look like your “friend” is doing the pushing! You call that guy a friend? Look, he’s even smiling as he does it! I bet he’ll be laughing his rear end off once he bisects your upper leg. You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself, homes, and get some new friends.

Unquestionably the most sexual of all fruit, the peach is also one of the most delicious. Here’s a great way to enjoy your 800 lb. peach:

Slice peach in half, remove pit and cut the fruit into wedges. Place wedges into titanic skillet, and add 50 gallons of honey and 2 quarts of orange juice. Simmer over medium heat until peach flesh begins to break down. Serve warm, over 900 cubic feet of vanilla bean ice cream.

CRAP! LOOKOUT, EVERYBODY! Giant mouse on the loose, hell-bent for cheese and drunk on the fresh morning air!

Seriously, though, this is a pretty cute guy, and it appears that he’s going for some brie, which indicates good taste on his part. Still, I wish the men at the lab hadn’t transformed him to such hideous proportions. How can he hope for a normal mouse-life when all his friends are going to be (understandably) terrified of him?