Comically Large Things

Oh yes, now we’re getting somewhere. I know we just came through Valentine’s Day, and we’ve all eaten more of this stuff than we ever thought possible …

But COME ON. Look at this thing! Isn’t this the greatest thing you’ve ever seen in your life? It’s like a giant teardrop, freshly fallen from the eyes of God, if God were made of chocolate.

And come to think of it, how do we know he isn’t? HMM? I challenge you to prove, scientifically, that God is not made of chocolate. You can’t prove it! Science wins again!

Sing along with me now, the good ole’ Sunday morning spiritual: “Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / let it overflow with OH GOD IT’S OVERFLOWING WITH SOME BEARDED GUY WEARING A HAT.”

The boneless chicken breast is problematic for most cooks – and especially when you’re using pieces like this, which are larger than average. It’s tough to impart much flavor, and they tend to dry out very shortly after they reach doneness. This is why most cooks prefer dark meat – thighs especially, given the richness of the bones – or at least bone-in breasts, which don’t dry out as quickly. These breasts are probably best used in a stir fry or fajita recipe, where they are sliced before cooking, allowing them to cook more evenly.

Also: Hello perverts who found this post via Google!

This both delights me and saddens me; it simultaneously shows how far we have come as a species and how far we have fallen.

On the one hand, we have what can only be seen as a sentient taco. It has evolved to the point that it has grown eyes and can take in the world around it. Surely nature’s wonders are profound and amazing!

On the other hand … what do we do with this fledgling, innocent, doe-eyed meat/cheese/carb creature? We eat it, of course, our callous and callow bellies never full enough, our ravenous, selfish spirit never sated. Such are the times and such are we, this beautiful and horrible humanity.

Oh, and also … helllllooo ladies!

Sweet mother of god, it has finally happened. Our porcine friends have finally had enough of us, and have learned to emulate our locomotion. Next, inevitably, is their development of crude weapons, and then ever more devastating ones. And then we shall have to pay for every pork chop and rind we have devoured.

Gotta give her props for her fashion sense, though! That’s one nice looking Armageddon Pig.

Man, I love me some Toblerone. That’s that triangular chocolate from Belgium or Sweden or one of those countries. You know. And it’s all broken into little pieces, but there’s just a tiny little bit on the bottom holding them together? Some people bite off pieces, but I like to use my fingers and break them off, because it gives that satisfying little sound, only sometimes it’s harder than it oughtta be and I get my fingernail pinched in there and I don’t like that. I also don’t like fingernails in general. But toenails – don’t get me started on toenails! If I could take a pill that would make me never have to clip my toenails again, I would pay good money for it, yes I would. Hate clipping my toenails. Wait a minute, what were we talking about again?

Oh yes, and also: Hellllloooo ladies!

Holy crap! Or should I say, holy carp! BWWWWAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Actually, carp are seldom used for fish and chips. It’s usually haddock or cod or something like that. But still. Holy carp!