Comically Large Things

Oh, how vividly I remember the wars of 2075 – the Sandwich Wars, we called them in the years that followed, five tumultuous and horrid stretches of days that saw mother turned against husband, father against son, teacher against student. It was the ugliest of wars, made uglier still by the new tools we had invented, tools that allowed us to stay home and lob our weaponry at the other man without even showing up. All that remained, when the dust and our hearts settled, was one smoking ruin after another.

How much greater the tragedy that it was all waged over this very sandwich, one made with damned generic white bread no less!

This milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right! Unfortunately, the yard was shortly thereafter overrun by screaming children, somewhere between 40 and 50 of them, all punching and kicking and flailing. The milkshake was spilled some time later.

Oh yes, now we’re getting somewhere. I know we just came through Valentine’s Day, and we’ve all eaten more of this stuff than we ever thought possible …

But COME ON. Look at this thing! Isn’t this the greatest thing you’ve ever seen in your life? It’s like a giant teardrop, freshly fallen from the eyes of God, if God were made of chocolate.

And come to think of it, how do we know he isn’t? HMM? I challenge you to prove, scientifically, that God is not made of chocolate. You can’t prove it! Science wins again!

Sing along with me now, the good ole’ Sunday morning spiritual: “Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / let it overflow with OH GOD IT’S OVERFLOWING WITH SOME BEARDED GUY WEARING A HAT.”

The boneless chicken breast is problematic for most cooks – and especially when you’re using pieces like this, which are larger than average. It’s tough to impart much flavor, and they tend to dry out very shortly after they reach doneness. This is why most cooks prefer dark meat – thighs especially, given the richness of the bones – or at least bone-in breasts, which don’t dry out as quickly. These breasts are probably best used in a stir fry or fajita recipe, where they are sliced before cooking, allowing them to cook more evenly.

Also: Hello perverts who found this post via Google!

This both delights me and saddens me; it simultaneously shows how far we have come as a species and how far we have fallen.

On the one hand, we have what can only be seen as a sentient taco. It has evolved to the point that it has grown eyes and can take in the world around it. Surely nature’s wonders are profound and amazing!

On the other hand … what do we do with this fledgling, innocent, doe-eyed meat/cheese/carb creature? We eat it, of course, our callous and callow bellies never full enough, our ravenous, selfish spirit never sated. Such are the times and such are we, this beautiful and horrible humanity.

Oh, and also … helllllooo ladies!

Sweet mother of god, it has finally happened. Our porcine friends have finally had enough of us, and have learned to emulate our locomotion. Next, inevitably, is their development of crude weapons, and then ever more devastating ones. And then we shall have to pay for every pork chop and rind we have devoured.

Gotta give her props for her fashion sense, though! That’s one nice looking Armageddon Pig.