Man, I love me some cheeseburgers! That’s good eating! I say keep it simple when you’re cooking them, too: some freshly ground sirloin, salt and cracked pepper, slice of good cheese, two very large eyes eerilly protruding from the top of the bun, almost defying you to end its life. The classics never really go out of style, you know.

Here we have a very large cupcake, being mounted by a monkey. This is not something you see every day. No, in fact, it has been at least a week since I have last seen a monkey attempting to get jiggy with a cupcake.

(Note to un-cool people: “get jiggy” is a phrase the kids are using these days to indicate physical intercourse. That, or dancing, I’m not really sure.)

Internal monologue of this adorable little baby, confronted with a comically large pizza:

“Hey, look, something’s happening! Yeah, we’re getting in the car! ALL RIGHT! I love getting in the car. Something cool is about to happen!

“Oh, look, the car has stopped! We’re getting out now! YEAH! The cool thing is bound to be happening now! I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS!

“Hey, is this the place where the cool thing happens? Big building with big doors. Mom and dad are taking me inside … I bet they’re going to get something cool for us!

“… HOLY GREAT MOTHER OF GOD, LOOK AT THAT THING! That looks delicious! I was right, something cool is happening to me today! Yeah!

“But wait. Mom and dad are eating it. But they’re still giving me applesauce and pureed carrots. What? What the heck is this all about, mom and dad? Why can’t I have any of that thing? There’s clearly plenty of it to go around!

…

“Today sucks.”

Hey everybody, I made up another song! Sing this one with me, to the tune of “Rudeboy” by Rihanna:

Come on chicken and waffles, get it up,
Come on chicken and waffles, yeah, you’re big enough,
Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, I feel kinda sick.

Hey kid … lemme have a bite of that cookie. It looks great. Just break me off a tiny piece of it, I haven’t eaten in hours and I’m gonna have to work late.

What? Aw come on, you can’t eat that whole thing. I just want one little piece! Come on, don’t be a jerk.

Really? Not even one bite. Weak.

You know what, I didn’t want it anyway.

Now this is a burger I can get behind. And by “get behind,” I literally mean stand behind it and YOU CAN’T SEE ME AMIRITE PEOPLE!

(drops microphone, walks off stage)

OMIGOD look at the size of this donut! Looks really good, especially with the nice marbling of the sugar. A little bit lopsided down in the lower-right corner, but who am I to complain? You put this in the microwave for 15 seconds and you’ve got one happy man on your hands.

Please make sure it is the donut you place in the microwave, though, and not the iPhone. That’s a mistake I’ve made far too many times, let me tell you.

Man, I’m thirsty right now. So very thirsty … wish it was Friday, because then I could get my drink on, but it’s only Thursday …

Hey … wait a minute … “thirsty Thursday!” Get it? It kinda rhymes, and it’s kinda alliterative? THIRSTY THURSDAY! That’s a new one! Man, I’m clever.

Also: Helllllooooo ladies!

According to the photographer of this beauty, Albert here is the world’s largest bull. He has, and I quote, “baby blue eyes and giant concrete gonads.” Which means he has a lot in common with me.

But here’s the silliest thing about this whole endeavor: Look at the green at the top. It’s not ready to eat yet! Clearly, it’s going to be another 70 or 80 years before this mango is ripe enough to attempt to bite into.