OMIGOD look at the size of this donut! Looks really good, especially with the nice marbling of the sugar. A little bit lopsided down in the lower-right corner, but who am I to complain? You put this in the microwave for 15 seconds and you’ve got one happy man on your hands.

Please make sure it is the donut you place in the microwave, though, and not the iPhone. That’s a mistake I’ve made far too many times, let me tell you.

Man, I’m thirsty right now. So very thirsty … wish it was Friday, because then I could get my drink on, but it’s only Thursday …

Hey … wait a minute … “thirsty Thursday!” Get it? It kinda rhymes, and it’s kinda alliterative? THIRSTY THURSDAY! That’s a new one! Man, I’m clever.

Also: Helllllooooo ladies!

According to the photographer of this beauty, Albert here is the world’s largest bull. He has, and I quote, “baby blue eyes and giant concrete gonads.” Which means he has a lot in common with me.

But here’s the silliest thing about this whole endeavor: Look at the green at the top. It’s not ready to eat yet! Clearly, it’s going to be another 70 or 80 years before this mango is ripe enough to attempt to bite into.

Boy, I really need to find out what store this is in, because I need to make sure I never take my dog in there. She’s getting up in the years, but she doesn’t realize it. So she’d totally try to devour this thing, which her aging GI tract would have problems with. Dogs are just like people, aren’t they? We always think we can take on more than we actually can. Life’s funny like that.

You know, the more I look at this, the more I’m starting to think that this isn’t actually a dog biscuit.

When it’s raining, umbrellas are quite the thing. Nothing finer. Wait, what’s that you say? You have an umbrella that comes with a comically large portion of fish and chips?

Is that so?

I like the cut of your jib, sir. I must rescind my previous statement that nothing is finer than an umbrella. Truly, an umbrella with a large portion of fish and chips is finer.

Oh, I love hamsters. They are so cute! Some of them are excellent drivers, as well, when you get them a little motorized car that is the right size for their legs.

I’ll never forget Timmy, my first hamster. Boy, that hamster could drive. And he made up the most amazing stories, too! The nights we would stay awake late, talking and imagining a better world …

… wait just one damned minute here … does that say it’s bacon-flavored Diet Coke? OMIGOD. I thought they stopped making that years ago!

Oh, how vividly I remember the wars of 2075 – the Sandwich Wars, we called them in the years that followed, five tumultuous and horrid stretches of days that saw mother turned against husband, father against son, teacher against student. It was the ugliest of wars, made uglier still by the new tools we had invented, tools that allowed us to stay home and lob our weaponry at the other man without even showing up. All that remained, when the dust and our hearts settled, was one smoking ruin after another.

How much greater the tragedy that it was all waged over this very sandwich, one made with damned generic white bread no less!

This milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right! Unfortunately, the yard was shortly thereafter overrun by screaming children, somewhere between 40 and 50 of them, all punching and kicking and flailing. The milkshake was spilled some time later.

Oh yes, now we’re getting somewhere. I know we just came through Valentine’s Day, and we’ve all eaten more of this stuff than we ever thought possible …

But COME ON. Look at this thing! Isn’t this the greatest thing you’ve ever seen in your life? It’s like a giant teardrop, freshly fallen from the eyes of God, if God were made of chocolate.

And come to think of it, how do we know he isn’t? HMM? I challenge you to prove, scientifically, that God is not made of chocolate. You can’t prove it! Science wins again!