Comically Large Things

Lady, look out! There’s an abnormally large hand reaching for you! Drop the bottled water and run!

Let this be a lesson to all of you, kids: You need to pay better attention to your surroundings. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the minutiae of day-to-day affairs, noses to the grindstone and blinders engaged and blocking out the larger view of the world. But what do you lose when you pour yourself into your tunnel vision? You lose the big picture. You lose a global perspective. And you lose the sense of initiative that comes from knowing a giant hand is about to squeeze the bejeezus out of you.

Lady, look out! Two monstrous hands are extracting themselves from terra firma, and they’re slouching toward you! Start running now and you might stand a chance! Gaia has had all she is going to take of humanity, I suppose, and you, dear girl, stand poised to receive her wrath … RUN!

Every time you microwave something you shouldn’t, the seals on your oven break down a little. And every time the seals break down a little, a little more radiation gets released into the environment. And every time a little more radiation gets released into the environment, we all get one step closer to Bird Apocalypse. Like what you see? No? Then learn to use the damn microwave properly.

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Look at the expression on this woman’s face. Is it shock? Horror? Delight? Irony? A devastating amalgam of all of the above? Well, just consider how you would feel if confronted with such a fork and spoon. What are you supposed to make of it? Is God taunting you, using simple constructs of wood to remind you just how small and insignificant you are? Is it a harbinger of human evolution, an invitation to gigantism? Or is it just an interesting decorating ethic?

Also, hello ladies!

What the heck is going on here? People are just leaving their utensils laying around outside now? This is rude no matter your size or stature; but when you’re a Bunyanesque giant, it’s especially rude for you to be leaving your spoons laying around! Somebody is going to trip over this, and then who will be laughing? Huh!?!? And please, who leaves the cherry behind? Everybody knows you eat that first.

AAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH! They’ve had all the abuse they’re going to take, and they’re plenty mad! You would be too if you spent the last two centuries being struck repeatedly by 16-pound balls, even if they do have fanciful colors and designs. Who can blame any of the participants of the Great Bowling Pin Revolution? Surely not I. I have taken part in knocking down more than my fair share of them.