Ah, it’s the most wonderful time of the year! Sing along with me, won’t you, the good old holiday favorite “Frosty the Snowman”!

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corn-cob pipe and a button nose
and two eyes made out of coal.

Frosty the snowman, oh the kiddies loved him so
until that one time when drunk Mr. Howard from down the street knocked him over and he started rolling down hill, and before you know it he knocked a hole about three feet across in Miss Purdy’s living room wall. You think that old woman had a face like a dropped meat pie before that, you shoulda seen the look she gave all of us that day, I’ll tell you what.

There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found …

Here you have two guys, holding a giant dog biscuit. AND THEY’RE JUST STANDING THERE! Don’t you fools realize that if there is a dog anywhere nearby that is able to eat such a biscuit, you would become nothing more than a pair of doggy toothpicks? DROP THE DAMN THING AND RUN FOR THE HILLS!

All of that said, I think it’s a nice looking biscuit. I bet if I were around, I would find it hard not to indulge in a little nibble. You can be damn sure, though, that I’d do it quickly, then make a run for it. Giant dogs scare the bejeezus out of me.

Here’s a new song I wrote. Sing it to the tune of “Fire Burning” by Sean Kingston:

“Somebody call 911, there’s a giant golden idol head of Bast, driven mad by centuries of bloodlust, getting ready to devour a young lady foolish enough to pause for a moment in her wake …

“um, on the dance floor.”

WHAT HAS SCIENCE WROUGHT!?!?

Oh jeez, I need to calm down. This “progress” is really getting to me. We now hatch families? Sexual reproduction wasn’t good enough for us as a species? I understand now why the Doctor occasionally turns a blind eye to our plight, ashamed of humanity.

CURSE YOU ALIEN VISITORS AND YOUR “HELPFUL TECHNOLOGY”!!

The venerable video game Tetris celebrates its silver anniversary this year – that’s right, everybody’s favorite puzzle game is 25 years old! And you know, it’s still a lot of fun, isn’t it?

But somehow, when inventor Alexey Pajitnov created this elegantly simple diversion, I don’t imagine he had it in mind that the bricks that comprise his creation would someday become oversized, sentient and threaten the populace. Hardly! This is not was Dr. Pajitnov had in mind, and you giant Tetris pieces should be ashamed of yourselves for thinking this is what your creator wants you to do.

As I so often find myself saying, in these waxing days of the new millennium: What has science wrought?

Oh, how vividly I remember the wars of 2075 – the Sandwich Wars, we called them in the years that followed, five tumultuous and horrid stretches of days that saw mother turned against husband, father against son, teacher against student. It was the ugliest of wars, made uglier still by the new tools we had invented, tools that allowed us to stay home and lob our weaponry at the other man without even showing up. All that remained, when the dust and our hearts settled, was one smoking ruin after another.

How much greater the tragedy that it was all waged over this very sandwich, one made with damned generic white bread no less!

Mmmm … this one is romantic. We’ve all read our fair share of apocalyptic science fiction in which the aliens land for some far-from-benign purpose. Think about “V,” for instance, where the pretty leader Diana was actually a lizard who was here to harvest human beings for food.

But this giant lady … I don’t know! I don’t get that kind of vibe from here. She’s got such a sweet look about her, I’ve got to believe she’s just looking for some companionship. It can’t be easy being that much larger than your significant other, now can it? Maybe all she wants is a soft, tender kiss.

Or, contrariwise, perhaps she truly is about to bite this guy’s face off. Still unclear at this point.

Not that it isn’t already interesting! I mean, think about all of the people you get to meet. Plumbing problems know no race, gender or socioeconomic boundaries. Why, were I a plumber, I imagine I would get to meet all kinds of fascinating folks! People from all walks of life! Astronauts, chefs, masseuses, sommeliers, musicians, snack machine restocker guys, men who wear monocles, cat groomers, fire hydrant painters, carpet de-lousers, the list boggles the mind!

And such interesting tools. Did you know that plumbers use something called a reamer? I had no idea. Then, at other times, they need the servics of a deburrer. No idea what that does, either, but it sounds quite nice.

Also: Helllllooooo ladies!

Sing along with me now, the good ole’ Sunday morning spiritual: “Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / Fill my cu-uuuup / let it overflow / let it overflow with OH GOD IT’S OVERFLOWING WITH SOME BEARDED GUY WEARING A HAT.”

Sweet mother of god, it has finally happened. Our porcine friends have finally had enough of us, and have learned to emulate our locomotion. Next, inevitably, is their development of crude weapons, and then ever more devastating ones. And then we shall have to pay for every pork chop and rind we have devoured.

Gotta give her props for her fashion sense, though! That’s one nice looking Armageddon Pig.