This is my secret to winning at chess, and it works every time: You bring your own pieces to the game, including this one. One the board is set up, you whip this baby out and set it on your opponent’s side of the board, crushing all 16 of his pieces. CHECK AND MATE!

“La, LA, la LA la la, LA, la la LA la …. La, LA, la LA la GGGAGAAAAAAUUUUUGGHH EVERYBODY RUN HE’S PISSED!”

I feel like I have to say this every damn time, because people don’t think for themselves: If there’s a boot this big laying around it’s because somewhere nearby there is a very angry giant with one bare foot. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SEEN MESSING WITH HIS BOOT WHEN HE FINDS IT, or he will straight-up step on you. What is wrong with you people?

Hey brougham, what’s up? I’m just chillaxing, listening to the new Chromeo mix I just downloaded. It’s not as good as their previous work. You should come over later, we’re gonna drink some PBR and watch the Latin HBO channel in, like, a totally non-ironic way. Hey, would you bring your latest copy of McSweeney’s with you if you drop by? I totally want to borrow it from you.

No, seriously, dude, you should come over and bring your McSweeney’s, because otherwise I’m gonna crush you like a bug.

See, this just makes all of us guys look bad. We go out of our way to stop at Kroger on the way home and get you flowers. And we don’t even get the sorry-ass $3.99 bouquet. No, we opt for the $9.99 one, because it’s nicer and has some of that frilly white stuff in it and you know, you’re worth it, honey.

But then some jerk face comes along and buys his girl THIS giant thing, and we all look like tools. Thanks a lot, jerk face!

Also: HELLLLLOOOO LADIES!

Ah, it’s the most wonderful time of the year! Sing along with me, won’t you, the good old holiday favorite “Frosty the Snowman”!

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corn-cob pipe and a button nose
and two eyes made out of coal.

Frosty the snowman, oh the kiddies loved him so
until that one time when drunk Mr. Howard from down the street knocked him over and he started rolling down hill, and before you know it he knocked a hole about three feet across in Miss Purdy’s living room wall. You think that old woman had a face like a dropped meat pie before that, you shoulda seen the look she gave all of us that day, I’ll tell you what.

There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found …

Here you have two guys, holding a giant dog biscuit. AND THEY’RE JUST STANDING THERE! Don’t you fools realize that if there is a dog anywhere nearby that is able to eat such a biscuit, you would become nothing more than a pair of doggy toothpicks? DROP THE DAMN THING AND RUN FOR THE HILLS!

All of that said, I think it’s a nice looking biscuit. I bet if I were around, I would find it hard not to indulge in a little nibble. You can be damn sure, though, that I’d do it quickly, then make a run for it. Giant dogs scare the bejeezus out of me.

Here’s a new song I wrote. Sing it to the tune of “Fire Burning” by Sean Kingston:

“Somebody call 911, there’s a giant golden idol head of Bast, driven mad by centuries of bloodlust, getting ready to devour a young lady foolish enough to pause for a moment in her wake …

“um, on the dance floor.”

WHAT HAS SCIENCE WROUGHT!?!?

Oh jeez, I need to calm down. This “progress” is really getting to me. We now hatch families? Sexual reproduction wasn’t good enough for us as a species? I understand now why the Doctor occasionally turns a blind eye to our plight, ashamed of humanity.

CURSE YOU ALIEN VISITORS AND YOUR “HELPFUL TECHNOLOGY”!!

The venerable video game Tetris celebrates its silver anniversary this year – that’s right, everybody’s favorite puzzle game is 25 years old! And you know, it’s still a lot of fun, isn’t it?

But somehow, when inventor Alexey Pajitnov created this elegantly simple diversion, I don’t imagine he had it in mind that the bricks that comprise his creation would someday become oversized, sentient and threaten the populace. Hardly! This is not was Dr. Pajitnov had in mind, and you giant Tetris pieces should be ashamed of yourselves for thinking this is what your creator wants you to do.

As I so often find myself saying, in these waxing days of the new millennium: What has science wrought?