Comically Large Things

Man, if I only I had been there to capture this one myself … I would have totally torn this place up with my sick breakdancing moves! You see, I’m a long-time scholar of the Great Duology of Breakdancing Films - “Breakin’” and “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” - having spent the better part of two years painstakingly deconstructing every move made within them. I’d be going up to every chump at this place and totally saying, “Hey, if I give you a dollar, would you go buy yourself some game?” And they’d be totally faced. Freakshow on the dance floor, ya’all!

Let me tell you something from first-hand experience, my friends: You might think it would be taken as flattery if you go to a chili festival and dive into the pot, but it doesn’t work that way. They look askance at that. Better to wait for them hand out bowls of the stuff. Chefs can be so particular.

White queen to king’s bishop, black rook to I QUIT. These comically large chess sets are fun at the mall, but only because you’ve got a giant slushie. What’s the fun of chess without slushies? Or at least the possibility of a cheesesteak made by an unfriendly Hispanic woman. You give me that, I’ll play you some chess with pieces that are difficult to move. No cheesesteak? No chess.

These girls are having a fun day at the beach - that’s awesome! And they’ve brought some freakishly large thingie with them. Not sure what it is, but it looks like one of those old-style bug sprayer things - you know, the kind in the old Warner Brothers cartoons, the long red things that had the little canisters hanging off of them? And you’d pump the thing and the stuff would spray out of the end? I think that’s what this is. These girls obviously know how to partay.

This guy’s got a giant mallet. You know what that means - he’s probably going to go play a giant version of that game where you hit the metal thing and the little thing shoots up in the air and makes the bell go “ding!” Either that, or whack-a-mole. I love whack-a-mole!

Everybody that looks at this seems to have largely the same reaction - “Wow, look at that big teapot!” Am I the only one to see what’s really going on here? THERE’S SOME SORT OF INVISIBLE GIANT CREATURE HOLDING THE TEAPOT IN MIDAIR! How else do you explain this? Science has yet to perfect levitation (with the exception of the Dawson Experiment of 1969, but that has never been duplicated), so an invisible giant is the only rational explanation. Everybody run!

These people need to call a service. There’s a giant hand crawling down their wall! It’s something they need to act on right away, too, because it looks like they’ve got some nice cherry-wood furniture. You don’t screw around with stuff like giant hands, because they love crushing stuff. Seriously, you might think you’re saving money by treating this kind of thing yourself with some bottle of spray you bought at Home Depot, but there are some things where you just want a professional involved. This is one of them.