AHHHHHHGGGHHGHH! EVERYBODY GET OUT OF THE WAY! There’s a freakishly large cup of coffee up there, and it’s about to tump over, spilling god-knows-how-much scalding hot liquid on whomever is below! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!
And yes, “tump” is a word. It’s an intransitive verb, meaning “to fall over.” I totally looked it up.
DUDE, GET OUT OF THE WAY! There’s a huge pizza cutter rolling toward you … and dammit if it doesn’t look like your “friend” is doing the pushing! You call that guy a friend? Look, he’s even smiling as he does it! I bet he’ll be laughing his rear end off once he bisects your upper leg. You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself, homes, and get some new friends.
Man, look at this fork! It’s almost unsightly, it’s so big. Impractical. Well, it’s impractical if you’re using it to eat, I suppose, but it’s probably pretty great at serving up food on to the plate. Looks like that’s what’s going on here.
But you know what? Despite my previous trepidation, I’d still like to give it a shot – you know, dipping this thing into a big Rubbermaid tub full of macaroni and cheese and pulling myself out a horse-sized bite. That would be gooder than hell!
Let me tell you something – if you put one of these in your kitchen or living room, you’re just asking for trouble. Look at the size of that blade – exposed, with no sort of safety mechanism! Trouble. That’s all this is. And I much prefer the rustic sorts of edges you get when you break cheese by hand, anyway. (Please note: I have successfully gone this entire time without a fart joke. Hooray for me!)
Holy crap, look at the size of this hose! Unbelievable. You know what would be totally bitchin’ camaro, is if you had a proportionately large sprinkler – one of those that spins around? No, wait, wait EVEN BETTER! A slip-and-slide thing big enough to accommodate the flow of water this sucker puts out! I think I’d probably be too scared to use it, now that I think about it.
Look at this water spigot! Outrageous! Far too big! Serves no practical purpose! AMIRITE PEOPLE! DROPS MICROPHONE WALKS OFF STAGE
Helllloooo ladies! Can I buy you a drink? How about thirty? Because you’ve got to have a powerful thirst in order to make the most of this mug. Me, I’d want to fill this sucker up with chamomile tea, make myself a nice hot bubble bath, and put on some Dido. And hope to God that I don’t drop the mug on my naked body.