Comically Large Things

GGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Crap! Get it off!!

What the hell is this? I never have any idea what’s going on.

Say what you will about giant gorillas: they’re a menace, they tear up buildings, they invite doom and terror in the form of genetically modified insects. But put all that aside and focus on the occasional good they do, like informing you about great savings opportunities!

Kind of a sad story tonight out of New Jersey – an abandoned kitty needs a home. The kitty weighs 44 pounds, and will eat your cell phone or your arm if you wave it in front of her.

“She’s built like a quarterback,” said Deborah Wright, a shelter volunteer and current foster owner of the kitty. “I mean, how do you lose a 44-pound cat?!”

Shelter officials are calling the porky cutie “Princess Chunk.”

Interestingly, Princess Chunk was the name of my 90s grunge rock band. We broke up after Zeke decided he was too good to play bass. Was going to go do spoken-word improv for Chrysler. What the hell? Any fool could see that Chrysler was only experimenting with spoken-word, they weren’t in it for the long haul. You look at Detroit today, there are hardly any automakers with a substantial spoken-word outreach program.

Zeke, you dumbass.

I have no idea what these things are used for, as I am not a fisherman myself (which has been previously established). I think this is the thing you put the worm inside, and the smell it gives off as it tries to escape attracts the fish. Or something like that.

Here’s an interesting bit of trivia for you – did you know that the prairie dog is not actually a dog, but an arachnid? That’s right, it has eight legs, four of which it conceals underneath its thick fur. During the winter, when it leaves its burrow for nuts and fruit, it can often be seen walking around on all eights, snapping at fallen acorns.

This is truly a critter whose cuteness belies its ferocity – especially one of this size.

Notice the happy look on everybody’s face in this picture. You see it? You see how happy they are to be standing there, smiling for the camera? Well, savor it, because ten seconds after this photo was taken, the pig was lying on the ground, the result of a crotch-ful of this woman’s knee.

Let me tell you something I’ve learned from experience, friends, and you’ll be wise to listen: Giant pigs are all hands. You see one wanting to get a photo with you and the little lady, you be on your guard. Get that ham sandwich look in your eye, and let the bastard know that you mean business.