According to the photographer of this beauty, Albert here is the world’s largest bull. He has, and I quote, “baby blue eyes and giant concrete gonads.” Which means he has a lot in common with me.

Here’s a new song I wrote. Sing it to the tune of “Fire Burning” by Sean Kingston:

“Somebody call 911, there’s a giant golden idol head of Bast, driven mad by centuries of bloodlust, getting ready to devour a young lady foolish enough to pause for a moment in her wake …

“um, on the dance floor.”

Boy, I really need to find out what store this is in, because I need to make sure I never take my dog in there. She’s getting up in the years, but she doesn’t realize it. So she’d totally try to devour this thing, which her aging GI tract would have problems with. Dogs are just like people, aren’t they? We always think we can take on more than we actually can. Life’s funny like that.

You know, the more I look at this, the more I’m starting to think that this isn’t actually a dog biscuit.

Oh, I love hamsters. They are so cute! Some of them are excellent drivers, as well, when you get them a little motorized car that is the right size for their legs.

I’ll never forget Timmy, my first hamster. Boy, that hamster could drive. And he made up the most amazing stories, too! The nights we would stay awake late, talking and imagining a better world …

… wait just one damned minute here … does that say it’s bacon-flavored Diet Coke? OMIGOD. I thought they stopped making that years ago!

Impossible to tell from this angle what kind of animal that is, but I’m guessing a bull. Like one of those Merrill Lynch bulls. You know, the one in the Bugs Bunny cartoon about the bull fighter, where he swallows the rifle and then can shoot bullets out his horn by swinging his tail? That one. That’s what I bet this animal looks like.

Also: A warm welcome to the latest batch of pervs arriving via Google!

Who’s a good boy? Who is? This giant bulldog is, that’s who! YES HE IS! YES HE IS! And look at the size of that hat!

Dogs love wearing hats. It’s probably their second-favorite thing in the world, second only to playing poker. Oh wait, they also love knitting. Well, scotties do, anyway. But this fella, he’s so big, and his paws are so huge, I doubt he could hold knitting needles. Or playing cards, for that matter. It ain’t easy being large.

Sweet mother of god, it has finally happened. Our porcine friends have finally had enough of us, and have learned to emulate our locomotion. Next, inevitably, is their development of crude weapons, and then ever more devastating ones. And then we shall have to pay for every pork chop and rind we have devoured.

Gotta give her props for her fashion sense, though! That’s one nice looking Armageddon Pig.

GGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Crap! Get it off!!

What the hell is this? I never have any idea what’s going on.

Say what you will about giant gorillas: they’re a menace, they tear up buildings, they invite doom and terror in the form of genetically modified insects. But put all that aside and focus on the occasional good they do, like informing you about great savings opportunities!