Comically Large Things

Here’s a new song I wrote. Sing it to the tune of “Fire Burning” by Sean Kingston:

“Somebody call 911, there’s a giant golden idol head of Bast, driven mad by centuries of bloodlust, getting ready to devour a young lady foolish enough to pause for a moment in her wake …

“um, on the dance floor.”

American tastes have done nothing but escalate over the past five decades; since the first highway was laid down, it has been a one-way societal trip to ever bigger portions, desires, needs, wants. The seeds that Ray Kroc planted have grown into a super-sized tree of gluttony, excess and insatiable desires.

Oh sure, it’s all fun and games to go sitting inside one of these giant shoes and saying “Hey, take a picture of me! Look at me! I’m sitting in a giant shoe!” Congratulations. Good for you. But somewhere, probably not far away, there’s a morbidly large Dutch boy who can’t play on the baseball team because of his size, and he sheds a tear, not just for the jerk you are but for the fact that he can’t find his giant yellow curly-toed shoe.

WHAT HAS SCIENCE WROUGHT!?!?

Oh jeez, I need to calm down. This “progress” is really getting to me. We now hatch families? Sexual reproduction wasn’t good enough for us as a species? I understand now why the Doctor occasionally turns a blind eye to our plight, ashamed of humanity.

CURSE YOU ALIEN VISITORS AND YOUR “HELPFUL TECHNOLOGY”!!

Boy, I really need to find out what store this is in, because I need to make sure I never take my dog in there. She’s getting up in the years, but she doesn’t realize it. So she’d totally try to devour this thing, which her aging GI tract would have problems with. Dogs are just like people, aren’t they? We always think we can take on more than we actually can. Life’s funny like that.

You know, the more I look at this, the more I’m starting to think that this isn’t actually a dog biscuit.

The first known ruler dates back to the Indus Valley civilizations, more than 3,000 years ago. They were crude but surprisingly accurate instruments, carved from ivory and nicked with measurements.

This ruler, on the other hand, is made from a giant plank of flooring. It can be used to measure all sorts of things! Like other pieces of flooring, perhaps. Or the heights of several girls. All sorts of practical uses for this comically large ruler.

Also, and this is pivotal: Helllloooo ladies!

The venerable video game Tetris celebrates its silver anniversary this year – that’s right, everybody’s favorite puzzle game is 25 years old! And you know, it’s still a lot of fun, isn’t it?

But somehow, when inventor Alexey Pajitnov created this elegantly simple diversion, I don’t imagine he had it in mind that the bricks that comprise his creation would someday become oversized, sentient and threaten the populace. Hardly! This is not was Dr. Pajitnov had in mind, and you giant Tetris pieces should be ashamed of yourselves for thinking this is what your creator wants you to do.

As I so often find myself saying, in these waxing days of the new millennium: What has science wrought?

When it’s raining, umbrellas are quite the thing. Nothing finer. Wait, what’s that you say? You have an umbrella that comes with a comically large portion of fish and chips?

Is that so?

I like the cut of your jib, sir. I must rescind my previous statement that nothing is finer than an umbrella. Truly, an umbrella with a large portion of fish and chips is finer.