Comically Large Things

Kind of a sad story tonight out of New Jersey – an abandoned kitty needs a home. The kitty weighs 44 pounds, and will eat your cell phone or your arm if you wave it in front of her.

“She’s built like a quarterback,” said Deborah Wright, a shelter volunteer and current foster owner of the kitty. “I mean, how do you lose a 44-pound cat?!”

Shelter officials are calling the porky cutie “Princess Chunk.”

Interestingly, Princess Chunk was the name of my 90s grunge rock band. We broke up after Zeke decided he was too good to play bass. Was going to go do spoken-word improv for Chrysler. What the hell? Any fool could see that Chrysler was only experimenting with spoken-word, they weren’t in it for the long haul. You look at Detroit today, there are hardly any automakers with a substantial spoken-word outreach program.

Zeke, you dumbass.

I have no idea what these things are used for, as I am not a fisherman myself (which has been previously established). I think this is the thing you put the worm inside, and the smell it gives off as it tries to escape attracts the fish. Or something like that.

No manners, that’s all I have to say about this. Here we have a stone golem, taking out his centuries-old hostility on a perfectly nice woman who just happened to walk by. His sorcerer was evidently a cruel master, and it imbued his stony heart with a distrust of all humanity.

Still, no need to hit a lady. Never cool, golem.

Sing it with me now: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me … cookie cookie cookie starts with I can’t wait to eat this whole thing in like 2 bites, stomach ache be damned!

Hey, you know what they say about guys with big feet, right? They gotta buy big shoes.

That’s a classic. Always funny. Also: Helllllooo ladies!

I’ve always heard people talk about the “big apple,” and they do so in such reverential tones. Like it’s some life-changing thing, something worth traveling around the world to be a part of. They talk about it like it’s an integral part of who they are, no matter where they go.

I gotta say, though, I’m not that impressed. Big deal, I say.

Holy cow. And I literally mean, holy cow.

AHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHA!

That’s really funny. Because I said “cow.” Get it?