Comically Large Things

Notice the happy look on everybody’s face in this picture. You see it? You see how happy they are to be standing there, smiling for the camera? Well, savor it, because ten seconds after this photo was taken, the pig was lying on the ground, the result of a crotch-ful of this woman’s knee.

Let me tell you something I’ve learned from experience, friends, and you’ll be wise to listen: Giant pigs are all hands. You see one wanting to get a photo with you and the little lady, you be on your guard. Get that ham sandwich look in your eye, and let the bastard know that you mean business.

I’m really leery of piracy and copyright/brand infringement – I’ve had a bad taste in my mouth ever since I got burned on that copy of PhotoShop I got on eBay that turned out to be a dud (my first clue should have been the fact that PhotoShop was spelled with a “K”). And so, color me a cynic, but I’m inclined to believe that this is NOT Curious George but some cheap knock-off. Where’s the guy with the yellow hat? Where’s the Jack Johnson music? I call shenanigans on Curious Forge!

(Curious Forge! Isn’t that clever? Just came up with that, just now. Totally.)

Also: Hellllooo ladies!

Ever since the Great Monacle Debacle of 1972, metal fish have had to live their lives in hiding throughout most of North America. Nowhere is this more true than in Washington D.C., which was one of the battle’s central proving grounds.

Today, bands of metal fish wander the alleys, sewers and back streets of our nation’s capitol, smoking clove cigarettes and commiserating about what life used to be like for their kind; back in kinder times, before the days when bringing the head of a metal fish to the local constabulary meant a free chicken and a book of green stamps.

Occasionally, if you are lucky, you will see one of them that is brave enough to step away from the crowd and into the world that was once at least partially theirs. It usually happens at night, allowing them the ability to sneak back into the shadows at the first sight of a Regal Harpoon. They come seldom, they stay only a short time, and then they are gone – which is the story of the metal fish on the whole, as well.

How much you wanna bet these things are covered with bite marks? Especially the bacon strips. I know if I was in the room, I’d be hard pressed not to press my teeth hard into them. Bacon is gooder than hell!

Hey, wait a minute … what if they put some kind of flavored coating on them? You know, so that you could lick them? Oh my goodness, that would be irredeemably wonderful. I think I need to go sit down for a minute. My back hurts all of a sudden.

So I’m walking into work the other morning, carrying my trusty Thermos of freshly brewed joe, and up comes one of my co-workers, smart look on his face, and he says to me, he says, “You know, the only good thermos is a Stanley thermos.”

To which I said, of course, “False that!” You’ll notice that when he said thermos, it was with a lower-case “t” – because my man there didn’t realize that there is no such thing as a “Stanley thermos.” Thermos is a brand, suckers! And what a brand it is. Giant, baby!

Man, if I could get my hands on that balalaika, I would totally shred things up! Can you imagine the rocking you can do on that thing? The resonance provided by that large, triangular shape must just be off the charts! Bitchin camaro, my friends!

(Don’t worry if you don’t actually play the balalaika – Balalaika Hero is on the way for Xbox and PS3 this fall. And there’s still a chance that we’ll get Klezmer Klezmer Revolution here in the states this year.)

Proper eye protection is important, but you don’t have to take my word for it. Let’s hear from the National Skin Centre of Singapore:

METHOD. We investigated 34 pairs of sunglasses to determine their suitability for providing adequate protection. The method used was modified from the technique used by Moseley et al. in 1988. RESULTS. We found that 21 (61.8%) of the 34 pairs of sunglasses and only 9 (53%) of the 17 pairs of sunglasses used by our patients were “satisfactory.” Expensive brands and polarizing sunglasses do not guarantee optimal UVA protection.

Sadly, the report is silent on the question of giant, heart-shaped sunglasses. The lesson, dear friend, is the usual one: caveat sunglasses emptor.

Oh, and also, and perhaps most importantly: Helllllooo ladies!