Comically Large Things

Ahhhh hahahahahaha …. hahahaha … toilet!

Heck yeah! Let’s get this party started! Let me just climb up on top of this big ol’ can of Bud and pop the top … hang on, hold that side of it … let me get my grip first, it’s all sweaty and wet … dude, hold it tight, TIGHT, I SAID …

DAMMIT! I fell off the can.

People who collect coins are called “noomismatics,” and those folks would salivate at the sight of this giant 2-dollar coin. What the photo doesn’t show, interestingly, is the giant vending machine that is situated just off to the right; next to it is a similarly large claw game, one of those things that always cheats and drops the stuffed animal right before you get it over the chute. I hate those things!

Hey, check it out – I just made up another song! Sing this one to the tune of “No Air” by Jordan Sparks and Chris Brown:

Tell me how’m I s’posed to breath with no pants / Ain’t you gonna see me with big pants / Tried to wear ‘em to school but they kept falling down / Ooooohhh, no pants / Ooooohhh, big pants.

BIG PANTS, BIG PANTS!

That’s the greatest song in the world. Except the high note makes my throat hurt. I always sing it way too loud, and then regret it.

(Also: Helllloo ladies!)

I had some sushi last week for lunch. Tasted great, but it really upset my stomach – I was John Q. Bathroom for days, I tell you. You gotta watch out for the sushi, because when it’s good it’s good, but when it’s bad it will jack you straight up.

As for this maki roll here, well, it just looks sloppy to me. It hasn’t been sliced and plated, for one thing, but beyond that it looks like the ingredients are all out of proportion. And am I missing something, or is there no wasabi in there? Amateurs.

I’m at a loss for words. Truly. My heart aches with the magnificence of this. I have but this to offer: HELLLLOOOO LADIES!

(Get it? I have “but” this? AAAHAHAHAHAHA! Classic.)

“You are about to get one mother of a stomach ache. Why did you eat this thing, anyway? Don’t you realize that fortune cookies are not authentic Asian cuisine, but rather another crass bit of westernization? Shame on you. I bet you ordered sweet and sour chicken, didn’t you? You putz. Lucky numbers: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, & 42″