Comically Large Things

I enjoy smoking a cigar as much as the next guy, and even the occasional pipe. And I’ve tried to get into the whole business of finding just the right lighter, but it’s never felt right to me – no matter which ones I try, I always go back to the plain old box of matches. Simple, earthy, effective, clean, classic.

That said, sometimes you need more firepower, I suppose. Like, for instance, I bet this lady could use the Zippo seen here. Gotta watch the eyebrows, though.

Holy mother of all that is natural. Look at all this ice cream. In fact, look at it very carefully, because if you’re truly alert, you’ll notice my right foot sticking out of it.

Holy crap. Look at this ant! You can get some perspective on just how big this thing is by comparing it to the girl on the bike off to the lef- …

OMIGOD! GIRL, GET OUT OF THE WAY! What are you doing riding your bike in front of a killer ant! He’s hopped up on that giant sugar-lick of his – get out of the way!

Man, look at this guitar! I wish I could get my hands on this one. I would totally tear into some “Closer to Fine,” and all ya’alls could just kiss my butt!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. That was rude. But thinking about the Indigo Girls always brings out the aggressive alpha male in me.

Anyway, sweet guitar! Rock on!

“Judge says, ‘what you got in your defense, son?’ I said ‘57 channels and nothing’s on.’” Wouldn’t have had that problem if you had this sucker! I bet this thing could find entertaining content at the drop of an antennae-shaped hat. Why, I bet there’s a button here marked “Gooder Than Hell.” Gotta buy one of these.

Also, hellllloooo ladies!

Boy, it’s not often you get to type the words “giant” and “platypus” together. It’s lots of fun. You should totally try it! Maybe just fire up Notepad and type away. No need to deny yourself the entertainment!

Jeez-o-pete, would you look at this. Whatever happened to hygiene? Whatever happened to taking basic care of yourself? My god, the filth on this thing is crusted on so thick it’s actually two-tone. One shudders to think where this thing has been. Kids, do not suck on this one!