Comically Large Things

I really enjoy typing the phrase “giant shrimp,” because it’s inherently contradictory. It’s like saying “tiny behemoth” or “interesting game of golf” – by it’s very nature and definition, simply not possible. But this giant shrimp defies convention right out of the gate, namely by wearing a ten-gallon hat and carrying a firearm! Nobody better screw around with ol’ Deputy Cocktail Sauce here. Because he’s packing. Nice bandana, too.

One time my uncle Kool-Aid decided he wasn’t going to shower for a year, to protest gasoline prices. Kool-Aid wasn’t the best smelling guy to start with, and this little protest of his didn’t help matters. By the end of month six, he had stuff growing in his shoes – mushrooms, I believe they were. God, it was awful.

Here’s an interesting gift idea: this guy made a giant paper mache eye for his girlfriend, then put a picture of himself inside it, holding a “Happy B-day” sign. I’ll bet he serenaded her with some romantic tune, too, maybe “I Only Have Eyes For You.” Classy!

Helllllloooo ladies! Nice looking taco you’ve got there. It’s rather large.

But I wonder why you felt the need to write the word “taco” on the side of it. Did you think you would forget what it is, as if its shape weren’t self-evident? Because if you were planning to put it aside for some period of time before ingesting it, maybe it would have been a better choice to place it in some sort of container – Tupperware, perhaps, or a simple sheen of Saran Wrap – and mark said container with the taco moniker. As it is, though, you’re about to eat a not-insubstantial amount of Sharpie fluid. That can’t be good for you.