Comically Large Things

Here you see the dangers that are inherent in squid husbandry. Look carefully and you’ll see a leg and part of an arm of the partially digested person this squid has just eaten. It’s a sad but true fact of life in our genetically engineered age: If you take chemically and radioactively altered creatures into your home as pets, there is always a chance they will turn on you if the electric barrier should ever fail.

DUDE, GET OUT OF THE WAY! There’s a huge pizza cutter rolling toward you … and dammit if it doesn’t look like your “friend” is doing the pushing! You call that guy a friend? Look, he’s even smiling as he does it! I bet he’ll be laughing his rear end off once he bisects your upper leg. You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself, homes, and get some new friends.

You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away and know when to say “hey, bra, you think we could get some normal playing cards in time for next month’s game? Seriously. And Deke, leave the fish tank alone. C’mon. Leave the fish alone.”

You know that old saying about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, or something? Turns out it’s three. Three angels can dance on the head of a pin.

Stacy and Clinton would have a field day with this! That shade of green is all wrong – ALL WRONG I TELL YOU – for see-through. And where’s the clean line? There isn’t one. Plus, those bottom pockets are way disproportionate with the top ones. If you wear this, people are going to stare at you – and not in a good way, honey.

Unquestionably the most sexual of all fruit, the peach is also one of the most delicious. Here’s a great way to enjoy your 800 lb. peach:

Slice peach in half, remove pit and cut the fruit into wedges. Place wedges into titanic skillet, and add 50 gallons of honey and 2 quarts of orange juice. Simmer over medium heat until peach flesh begins to break down. Serve warm, over 900 cubic feet of vanilla bean ice cream.

CRAP! LOOKOUT, EVERYBODY! Giant mouse on the loose, hell-bent for cheese and drunk on the fresh morning air!

Seriously, though, this is a pretty cute guy, and it appears that he’s going for some brie, which indicates good taste on his part. Still, I wish the men at the lab hadn’t transformed him to such hideous proportions. How can he hope for a normal mouse-life when all his friends are going to be (understandably) terrified of him?