Comically Large Things

This lady has one of those giant twisty cookie things. I forget what they’re called. But man, that looks good. She doesn’t seem convinced, though – judging by her expression, she was hoping for something other than a giant twisty cookie. But who can speak to what fortune holds? Life consists of taking things in stride, be they blessing, curse or giant cookie.

Lady, look out! There’s an abnormally large hand reaching for you! Drop the bottled water and run!

Let this be a lesson to all of you, kids: You need to pay better attention to your surroundings. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the minutiae of day-to-day affairs, noses to the grindstone and blinders engaged and blocking out the larger view of the world. But what do you lose when you pour yourself into your tunnel vision? You lose the big picture. You lose a global perspective. And you lose the sense of initiative that comes from knowing a giant hand is about to squeeze the bejeezus out of you.

HELLLLOOOOO LADIES! Nice looking fish you’ve got there. Mind if I fry it and dunk it in a whole mess of cocktail sauce, then eat it? No? Why, thank you! I love me some fried fish. Add some onion rings, and you’ve got happiness on a plate. You already know it!

Man, I love noodles. One of life’s sublime pleasures, truly, whether doused in marinara or gently kissed with soy. Hey, wait a minute, you don’t rinse your noodles after cooking them, do you? You better not! You rinse my noodles and I’m never speaking to you again! Rinsing freshly cooked noodles washes away the crucial starches which allow your chosen sauce to adhere to the noodly surface. Don’t rinse them! (Not like you have a sink big enough to rinse the noodles that are going in this bowl anyway, am I right? I mean, come on, people, am I right?)

Umm … uh … well, okay.

Man, I love meatballs. Think about it – they represent two of life’s most wonderful things. Meat. Balls. Meat is delicious and nutritious – that’s protein, Holmes! And balls are fun to play with – like them bouncy superballs you sometimes get out of vending machines! Those are the best. But anyway, yeah, meatballs. And this one’s huge. I’d eat this with a bucket full of penne, you know.

Man, I really want to comment on this hat. And I really want to say “Hellllooo ladies!” But I can’t concentrate because of that damned tattoo. Just look at that! Can you imagine how bad that must have hurt! It’s right there on the ticklish bit! JEEZ! Makes me itch just thinking about it. Still, very nice, large hat.