Comically Large Things

Lady, look out! Two monstrous hands are extracting themselves from terra firma, and they’re slouching toward you! Start running now and you might stand a chance! Gaia has had all she is going to take of humanity, I suppose, and you, dear girl, stand poised to receive her wrath … RUN!

Let me tell you something right now: If I had a thing of french fries this big, I’d tell the whole world to kiss my ass. Can you imagine? This would totally rock. And the amount of ketchup these suckers could stand up to! It moggles the bind. I’ve gotta get back to Lekker & Laag – haven’t shopped there in a long time. What was it, two years ago I bought my desk there? Didn’t even realize they sold giant fries.

Holy crap! Look at this tuba. Who in their right mind would opt to learn such an instrument? “Timmy, what band instrument would you like to learn to play?” “Well, mom, I think I want to play the tuba – but not just any tuba, a tuba that will give me debilitating back pain by the time I’m 20. Pleeeeeze, mom?“

Advertising has changed drastically over the past five years; media buyers are looking to staunch the bleeding caused by viewers skipping ads with their TiVos and downloading ad-free media from an unimaginable wealth of sources. The conventional advertising model indeed appears to be broken; the solution, clearly, is to make the advertising venues bigger.

It was in response to this need that the estimable Dr. Hereford von Schnittke entered his top-secret laboratory in Belgium, armed with an untold number of chemical compounds and the arcane knowledge of the centuries. He emerged months later, a victorious smile upon his face – he had created the monster newspaper, a hybrid of publishing vehicle and blood-drenched hellspawn. Customers would no longer be able to avoid advertisements – oh, no, they would not! Dr. von Schnittke had quite seen to that.

Oh, and, yes – helllllloooo ladies!

I don’t know who Randy is, but he’s one lucky sucker. The guy’s got a donut so big, he has to put it on the roof of his house! Check that … multiple donuts! Mother of god, it’s plural! Still, you can’t have everything you want in life. Randy might have some amazing donuts, but his house looks more like a restaurant than a house. And what if it rains? There’s a very real chance that donut will get soggy. And then I won’t want to eat it.

When I got my MBA from Ohio State University, I specialized in customer psychology and merchandising at retail. The display we see here violates some basic merchandising rules that have been established over time as best practices: (1) If you’re selling panties, don’t remove them from the package and stretch them out with clothespins; (2) Don’t market your panties near the roller blades; and most importantly, (3) Offer a wide variety of panty colors. Pink and red? Some people are not traditionalists; they want colorful patterns and textures on their embarrassingly large delicates.

THE NAAAAAAME GAME! Sandwich sandwich bo bandwich bananafana mo mandwich. Fe-fi-fo-fandwich … SANDWICH! Give me a bite of that thing!