Advertising has changed drastically over the past five years; media buyers are looking to staunch the bleeding caused by viewers skipping ads with their TiVos and downloading ad-free media from an unimaginable wealth of sources. The conventional advertising model indeed appears to be broken; the solution, clearly, is to make the advertising venues bigger.

It was in response to this need that the estimable Dr. Hereford von Schnittke entered his top-secret laboratory in Belgium, armed with an untold number of chemical compounds and the arcane knowledge of the centuries. He emerged months later, a victorious smile upon his face – he had created the monster newspaper, a hybrid of publishing vehicle and blood-drenched hellspawn. Customers would no longer be able to avoid advertisements – oh, no, they would not! Dr. von Schnittke had quite seen to that.

Oh, and, yes – helllllloooo ladies!