Comically Large Things

Holy crap. Two for the price of one! You had us at “giant sunglasses” … but then you picked up the giant microphone and started to sing. I look at this photo and I can only begin to imagine what song she burst into after the camera’s flash faded … I’ve got ten bucks says it was “Me and Bobby McGee.” You totally rule, Giant Sunglasses and Microphone Girl!

Look at this block of tofu. Just look at it! Ridiculous. First of all, nutritionally speaking, you’re much better off with an equal sized portion of grilled chicken breast. But even then, look, you don’t need to eat this much! Portion sizes have gotten out of control in this country, exacerbated by the fact that people seem to think they can eat however much they want as long as it’s “health food.” Like this thing of tofu. I don’t care who you are, you don’t need this much tofu. And besides, can you imagine the sheer quantity of soy sauce needed to make this palatable? Think of the sodium!

“Hello, miss? Yes, I’d like some hash browns, please, bacon, two eggs sunny-side up, whole wheat toast, and coffee. Thank you. Yes, also, and please don’t step on me.“

Man, if I only I had been there to capture this one myself … I would have totally torn this place up with my sick breakdancing moves! You see, I’m a long-time scholar of the Great Duology of Breakdancing Films - “Breakin’” and “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” - having spent the better part of two years painstakingly deconstructing every move made within them. I’d be going up to every chump at this place and totally saying, “Hey, if I give you a dollar, would you go buy yourself some game?” And they’d be totally faced. Freakshow on the dance floor, ya’all!

Hey ya’all, look what came in the mail for me - a big box with a girl inside! Oh yes, wait a minute mister postman! This rocks. Could you imagine opening up your bills and stuff one day, throwing away the pizza and furniture coupons, shredding the credit card offers, and oh yeah, there’s one box we didn’t open yet, wonder what’s in it? It’s a hot girl! Heck yeah. Best mail day ever!