Comically Large Things

Woe to the pumpkin, that most lowly and misunderstood of creatures … believed by many to be a vegetable, the pumpkin is actually a member of the rodent family, rodentia. But it is often misunderstood because it is very, very sedentary. And I mean, these things almost never move around. They also look very much like vegetables, what with the way they grow out of the ground and all. Make no mistake, though: these things have feelings, and families, and emotions. And then look at these two – yowza!

I got my pen-cil … gimme something to write on! This is a great looking pencil, and I bet it writes like a dream. But if you were to absent-mindedly chew on the eraser, you might get a stomach ache -that’s a lot of eraser, after all! And if you were to make the mistake of tucking this behind your ear, you might end up with some real cartilage pain.

Why do I love this so much? Because it’s bad-ass is why! I would totally put this sucker in my truck, then I’d be ready to roll. Do you like Def Leppard? I sure hope so, because I’m gonna be cranking “High and Dry” once I get this thing in the truck! Rock of ages, ya’all!

Man, I love cake. I can eat me some cake! Yessir. Tastes real good. Wash it down with some milk, maybe some fresh coffee … that’s clean living right there! My god, I hope nobody accidentally bumps into this cake and spills it on the floor. Do you know how hard frosting is to clean up? Especially if it gets on your clothes.

Hey, look, it’s that big old piano, like the one in the movie “Big!” Remember that? Man, that movie rocked! Remember when he looked in his pants for the first time? Or what about when he used all that dental floss? So funny!
You know what else is a great movie? “Mannequin.” Kim Cattrall was so hot in that. And that Starship song … that absolutely kicked all the ass!

Oh, and also – hello ladies!

AAAAAAAAUUUUUGGHGGGHGHGHGHH! Kid, get out of the way! There’s a giant mantis or cricket or something behind you. I know you want to smile for the camera, but for the love of God, get out of the way!

And honestly, where are the parents? Presumably, they’re the ones taking the picture. But who would waste their time taking pictures when their child is being infringed upon by a massive bug?

This Kafkaesque chicken is debating its options; you can see it in his eyes. On the one hand, he sees this very nice couple having a day out, probably doing a little site-seeing, and he thinks “Oh, that’s nice, I hope they’re enjoying their day. It certainly is nice weather for it.” On the other hand, he sees the haunted, still-as-glass eyes of all of his brethren that have been plucked, beheaded and deep-fried by humans such as these, and he wonders if perhaps the time for niceties has come and gone. Only time will tell what Master Chicken decides to do next.