M to the U to the F to the … AAUUUGGH!! Crap! It’s bad enough these muffins are way too big to eat, but they’ve got people popping out of them! What the hell! I’m sure somebody thinks this is funny, but what if you were having a bite and suddenly chomped down on, like, a leg or something? It’s all fun and games until somebody gets bitten on the leg.
YEAH! Big ol’ chicken! Man, I love chicken. Is there anything better than chicken? I don’t think so. I love the dark meat. Stays juicy much longer. Hey, you know what’s really hard? Keeping fried chicken moist on a buffet. Some places do it better than others. Also, did you know that chicken livers take seven years to digest? I heard that somewhere.
Did you ever have the feelin’ that you was bein’ watched? This guy is. But he’s on the phone. Larger issue: when did the earthly agents of the divine quit being subtle? I mean, anybody can see this thing! Does the Big Guy no longer care whether or not He is spotted when He walks among us?
You know, ordinarily these kind of pre-processed foods don’t appeal to me, but lately I’ve been trying to eat low-carb, and as a result I feel like I could eat a whole sink full of these noodles right now. And don’t be fooled by the picture on the side – there are no shrimp in there, and if there were, they certainly aren’t as tall as that guy!
This little lady’s got the right idea. Frankly, I need one of those big ol’ sweatbands for when I’m rocking the Dance Dance Revolution. You should see the sweat I generate when rocking the DDR. It’s insane the amount of fluid that comes flying off of me. But it’s good times, you know? That’s how it is when you’ve got a mind to rhyme and two hype feet.
HELLO LADIES! Looks like you got yourselves a dranky-drank there. How’s that working for you? Yeah? Glad to hear it. So, like, what are your names? And could you, like, help me look up my phone number? Because I totally lost mine.
Oh dammit, inspiration is about to strike again. This monstrous chocolate cake and its brethren are stirring my songwriting synapses. Sing this one out loud at your cubicle, to the theme of “Bet On It” from “High School Musical 2″:
This is a big ol’ cake / Just let me do my thing / Ain’t gonna let nobody slow me down / I’M GONNA STICK MY FACE UPSIDE-DOWN IN THIS HERE MESS / Bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it.