Comically Large Things

Let’s all square dance! Places all, bow to your corner, bow to your own! Just imagine the square dance you could call if you had this banjo - if you could properly play it, that is! Large musical instruments provide challenges all their own, like arm length and finger positioning. Plus, your back might hurt after a while playing this. But chiefly, this is a lesson in manners and courtesy, because this banjo is blocking the door and that’s just plain rude.

I’m normally the last person to go around wearing a foil hat and looking for black helicopters, but something like this will give anybody pause. I’ve always said that it’s a bad idea to feed growth hormones to dairy cows, and now I have proof. If the babies all get to be this big, we’re doomed. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Look at this potato. Just look at it! What do you think about that? It’s ginormous. I’ve never seen such a big potato before. The amount of starch in this thing just boggles the mind - it could put some serious pounds on you were you to eat it. But even so, if I got my hands on a potato like this, I’d julienne it and fry the living heck out of it. Then I’d eat it, because french fries are the greatest!

Yeah! Play “Comin’ Home Baby”! Jazz flute rocks! Wait a minute, I’m assuming that she’s playing jazz flute. Doesn’t every flute player know “Comin’ Home Baby”? I suppose she might be into something else. Not really cool of me to make such an assumption. In any case, consider it a respectful request, because jazz flute totally kicks everybody in the ass!

Hey yeah! A big thing of chocolate! Who wouldn’t like to receive this? This would be like the single greatest thing in the world to have on a Sunday night, because I’d eat the whole thing while watching “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.” I always cry at that show. Especially the part when they show up and surprise the people. You know? And god, Ty Pennington has such great hair.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTX3CaTWbkM]
This is so frickin’ sweet! Look at this badass! Look at that guitar! And just listen to him play it - proof positive that if the instrument is large enough, you don’t have to worry about tuning it. I think I would pay an exorbitant amount of money to see Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded” played on this. Got a fever of 103!

These girls are having a fun day at the beach - that’s awesome! And they’ve brought some freakishly large thingie with them. Not sure what it is, but it looks like one of those old-style bug sprayer things - you know, the kind in the old Warner Brothers cartoons, the long red things that had the little canisters hanging off of them? And you’d pump the thing and the stuff would spray out of the end? I think that’s what this is. These girls obviously know how to partay.