Oh dear … my songwriting synapses are firing once again. Sing this out loud at your cubicle, to the theme song from “Hannah Montana”:It’s a giiiiii-ant sandwich / slappin’ hands, spillin’ juice, messin’ up your white shirt / it’s a giiiii-ant sandwich / mix it all together and you know I’M GONNA EAT THIS THING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOUR MOMMA.
These little dudes are standing right where the action is – look at those pumpkins! Not one, but two of them! Unreal. Those are amazing. But you know, as much as I love them in the wild, I’m not that fond of pumpkins as an ingredient. Like there’s this place right by me that makes homemade pumpkin ice cream every fall. Everybody says it’s the greatest thing ever, but I just can’t get excited about it. That said, I do believe I would be excited if I were to have my picture taken with these pumpkins right here.
I don’t want a giant pickle, I just want to ride my giant motor-sickle! Or something like that. But hey, look at this thing! Can you imagine the amount of dried dill that went into transforming a mutant cucumber into this mutant pickle? It boggles the mind. But this lady seems to have the right attitude – you look at her face and it’s as if she’s saying, “Yeah, I’m holding a giant pickle … what of it? You got issues? Because I don’t.” Hell yes. Now that’s the kind of woman you’re willing to trust with your giant pickle.
This here lady is what you might call a tall drink of water. Look at those legs! They’re amazing. I realize she’s got some high heels on, but even so, I’m inclined to think this lady is taller than average. Either that or she’s talking to a very short dude in a miniature house. That’s possible, I guess.
Holy mother of kibble. Look at this cat! Ridiculous. What in the heck are they feeding this thing? Am I right, people? Yes. Big cat. If I were a mouse I’d be soiling my little mouse pants right now. Of course, mice don’t really wear pants, except in cartoons. You did know that, didn’t you? Some of them wear overalls, though, especially in rural areas.
Man, these are some big lips. If these suckers get chapped, look out! But the bigger issue here is the giant Vienna sausage that these lips appear to be chewing on. Vienna sausages are disgusting, aren’t they? I bet if you think about it right now, you can conjure up in your head the exact smell you get when you open a can of them. It’s a little bit like meat, a little bit like feet and a lot like ass. Who eats those things?
Red shoes are sexy. High heels are sexy. Red heels, therefore, are doubly sexy. And yet, giant red high heels stuck to the side of a building? More disquieting than sexy. Something about this gives a man more of a sense of proportion than he is comfortable with. It’s perspective, yes, but too much.