Comically Large Things

Frosted Lucky Charms … they’ll scare the crap out of you! This guy looks like he’s actually trying to pick up a girl wearing a giant leprechaun head. That says something about the man’s confidence. He’s got some. What he doesn’t have is a sense of either discretion or proportion. I wonder if that’s a homemade leprechaun head or if he bought it somewhere? I looked on Amazon, but didn’t see any.

There’s something about this photo that makes me question its authenticity. I guess it’s the rough, watercolor-ish sepia tone thing. Doesn’t look real to me. If I didn’t know better, I’d say somebody just drew this. Also lending to my skepticism: the fact that this ant attack was never on the news. It surely would have been, wouldn’t it? I mean, I realize the news industry has become sadly celebrity-centric, but they’d have to report on something like this, wouldn’t they?

VVVRRRROOOOOOOOOMMM! What’s his name!?! Big ol’ truck. F’in A!

Donuts are the best. And I love cake too, but mainly because of the frosting. You know how the old tobacco executives secretly referred to smokes as a “nicotine delivery system”? Well, to me, cake is just a frosting delivery system. Which is why it surprises me to find that I’ve never thought of this … frosting a donut! Sheer genius! And of course, it’s only one small step from that to this.

I’ve always said: When the revolution comes and the giant robotic skeleton-birds take over, I want to be in Madagascar. Why Madagascar? Just ask any Risk player … it’s the safest place on earth! Very defensible. And defensible counts when you’re confronted with a soulless, blood-sucking army of skeleton robot birds like this one here. Australia’s not a bad place to hole up, either. Everybody goes for Asia because it gives you the most points, but you can’t hold that long-term.

White queen to king’s bishop, black rook to I QUIT. These comically large chess sets are fun at the mall, but only because you’ve got a giant slushie. What’s the fun of chess without slushies? Or at least the possibility of a cheesesteak made by an unfriendly Hispanic woman. You give me that, I’ll play you some chess with pieces that are difficult to move. No cheesesteak? No chess.

Hey, let me try talking like one of those damn cats on the Internet! Here goes … can I have a cheeseburger? No, wait, I did it wrong. Can I has that cheeseborger? Cheesburger? Cheeze … cheesborger! Something like that. Whatever. I’d like to see one of those cats try to tackle this thing. And then I’d write some kind of cheeky, comical caption for when they fail spectacularly. Face the cheeseburger!