Comically Large Things

We planted watermelons in our garden this year, and let me tell you, that’s a plant that just takes over. It grows everywhere. But none of ours grew a face and legs, like this one seen here attacking a young lady in the park. I credit this to the fact that we didn’t use MiracleGrow or any other artificial substances. Yet another benefit of organic gardening: your produce doesn’t sprout appendages and turn on you.

This one’s more than a little bit bittersweet for me … brings back some memories of my old bear, Mr. Poddington Bodsworth-Rugglesby III. Lost him in a kitchen of a Waffle House when I was just a boy. DAMN YOU WAFFLE HOUSE MAKING MY DAD WORK THE NIGHT SHIFT AND BEING ALL SLEEP-DEPRIVED AND STUFF.

Hey, is that a big collectible plate in the window? I love collectible plates.

COUPLES SKATE! It is on. You tell me – is there anything hotter than a good-looking blonde, skating backwards while Foreigner’s “Double Vision” is pumping? Hell no there isn’t, and you’re wrong if you say there is. Just imagine the hotness coming off of a blonde skating backwards in this thing! Only problem: we’d need to find a second skate, as well as a sufficiently large blonde.

You know, I love candy. But I’ve never liked candy corn. There’s something about the aftertaste that gives me a stomach ache – like the smell of your grandmother’s car on a hot afternoon. No, I’d rather have some gummi bears, jelly beans, chewy sours, you know, that kind of thing - any fruit-flavored pectin-based chew is what I’m all about.

Let me tell you something from first-hand experience, my friends: You might think it would be taken as flattery if you go to a chili festival and dive into the pot, but it doesn’t work that way. They look askance at that. Better to wait for them hand out bowls of the stuff. Chefs can be so particular.

The use of preservatives in our food supply has officially gone too far. Our foodstuffs are now growing eyeballs, teeth and feet. I ask you, who wants to eat this? Find me the hungriest person you know and I’ll lay you ten bucks they won’t take a bite of this monstrosity. What has science wrought?

You know what this makes me yearn for, don’t you? Heck yeah you do – freakishly large lemon wedge! I’d squeeze it all over this baby, and then I’d eat it. The fish, I mean, not the lemon wedge. Some people like eating lemons, but not me. They’re too sour. But I like eating fish.